Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Unsolicited Backrubs: Part of the Axis of Evil

Have you seen the video of President Bush giving an impromptu and unsolicited shoulder rub to German Chancellor Angela Merkel? The video raises a couple of disturbing questions:

1. Is Bush really that much of an a**hole, or is he just playing one on TV? I don't know about you, but any time a man thinks he can just put his hands on you without asking, I assume he is "d*ckswinging." You know, making it clear that he has the upper hand in the relationship, because after all, you would never dream of doing that to him. It's an alpha dog thing to do, since subordinates may never touch their superiors, but superiors may touch subordinates.

2. What is a Christian married man doing with his hands near the neck of a woman not his wife? It's a well-known fact, for those who are not otherwise breast-obsessed, that the back of a woman's neck is a wild, hot erogenous zone. NOBODY touches the back of my neck. Anyone who does is going to get my foot in their short-and-curlies. It's just plain rude to go near the nape of a woman's neck if you are not married to, or otherwise "having relations" with that woman. Try it if you don't believe me. Imagine someone walking up to your sister or wife or girlfriend and putting their hands near the back of her neck. You'd be pissed off, because it's one of those non-nude-yet-intimate things to do. Again, in Bush's case, it implies a relationship that does not exist.

3. Why aren't we waging war on people who give unsolicited back rubs?! One woman in college used to do it to me all the time. I would tense up when I saw her coming, and then she'd say, "oh my god, honey, you look so tense! You need a back rub!" and would lay her big meat hooks into my shoulders without asking, never imagining that I was tense precisely because she was massaging me. In addition to those offered by annoying people, backrubs were also the "what's your sign?" of the early 90's. It was the opening for a guy to try to hook up with you. This is a practice that I hope has mercifully died away.

In any event, someone should have taught Bush what every first-grader learns on day one: "Keep your hands to yourself." In backrubs and in foreign relations.

1 comment:

Joe Tornatore said...

i got to pay more attention to the back of necks.