Saturday, July 29, 2006

Karl Rove Quickie Questionnaire

As mentioned in a previous post, I met Karl Rove today. Quick quiz:

1. Karl Rove: Fat or thin?
2. Karl Rove: Nasty and rude or pleasant and funny?
3. Karl Rove: Sanctimonious or self-deprecating?


1. Proving that "the camera adds ten pounds," Karl Rove can best be described--not as the generally-assumed portly, slovenly or corpulent evil architect of Republican domination--but as the "orange on a popsicle stick" evil architect of Republican domination. He's not so skinny as to merit the ultimate "orange on a toothpick" designation of Mike Meyers' eccentric Scottish father in the cult classic So I Married An Axe Murderer; but he's fit enough--and large-headed enough--to be the popsicle stick. It is shocking how not fat he is in real life when every photo of him makes him seem like a porker, based I'm sure on his large cranium. As Chandler Bing once inquired of Fat Monica on Friends when she blamed an unflattering fat photo on a camera adding ten pounds: "exactly how many cameras were on you?"

2. Trick question: He may still be nasty, but at least at this event he was pleasant and funny. Really funny. Funny to the extent that I'm sure his material was written for him by one of the South Park guys or Drew Carey, those conservative hacks. And funny to the extent that I felt like it was a betrayal of my principles to laugh. Put me down for 15 seconds of polite applause instead.

3. You guessed it: self-deprecating as is required by all speakers to a mixed audience, especially those who know their negatives are up there with OJ Simpson, Joey Buttafuoco and Michael Jackson.

So what did I learn today about Karl Rove? That he's not fat, he's scriptedly funny, and can hold up a conversation. In raw political terms, nothing of any import. In more practical terms, that a human head can indeed have a circumference of 88 inches.

No comments: