Saturday, July 15, 2006

My Three-Way at GW

Allow me to apologize for my recent absence from The Haggis. Long story abridged: I ended up spending 21 hours at GW hospital from Friday night till yesterday; details later. The key point being that they admitted me but had no room to put me in, so I was hanging out in their glamorously-named “holding room” till such bed became available. So there I was at 3am. In a bed between two men: one, a 60-ish African-American man, Calvin, who missed his dialysis appointment and was in bad shape, and two, a bald man named Lefkowitz * who, regardless of Mr. Calvin’s pleadings from behind his curtain to “please turn out the lights!” felt compelled to complete at least two more word jumbles before deeming it okay to darken the room. Me? I couldn’t have cared less about lights on or off. I wasn’t sleeping anyway, finding it to be the most opportune time to:
a) Read this month’s issue of Ladies Home Journal featuring The Duchess of York and her daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, wherein I learned that she refers to us as “my people.” No joke. “I’m going to become an international brand like Laura Ashley, but my products will be priced for my people, those who have supported me for 12 years.” Yeah, sign me up, “My Duchess.” Where do I get in line for a Fergie bedsheet set?
b) Wonder why Mr. Calvin was so upset about the lights being on since when he was not yelling, he was snoring so loudly that they were clearly not inhibiting his sleep.
c) Ponder the origin of the “holding room” nomenclature, feeling a bit like I was in an episode of NYPD Blue, not quite arrested but not quite free to go either.
d) Noting that this was the first time in my life that I was in one room, in a bed, in the company of men not previously known to me, at 3am, in less-than-street-ready clothing, listening to them snore and cough, and wondering how I could possibly, accurately, and adequately convey via blog the total weirdness of the experience
e) Laugh to myself that this was perhaps the most bizarre evening of my life to date (minus that time in Amsterdam with Jagger and Bowie…)

So that was my night. Suffice to say, I got NO sleep. And you got no Haggis for a full two days. My excuse? A three-way with Calvin and Lefkowitz.

*Names changed so their wives don’t get mad.

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