My Crushes: Jon Stewart. Again. Still.

I know this is going to get old for regular readers, but I'm sorry. I just have to kvell once again about the national treasure that is Jon Stewart. You know you want to see his chastisement of Begala and Carlson on Crossfire last week. Here's the link:

Crosssfire Video


You have to love a guy who gets invited onto a show and then calls its host "a d*ck." That is chutzpah in the funniest and most charming way, is it not? Which is not to say that if you comment on this piece with, "E--you are a d*ck" that I will find you funny and charming. The simple reason for that is that you are not Jon Stewart, now are you?

I have been mulling my ongoing and inexplicable attraction to Jon Stewart, Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor and Tobey Maguire. They seemingly have nothing in common with each other, and yet I find each as delightful as the day is long. How is it that we can find such a multiplicity of different people attractive without actually having to admit that we must therefore find anyone walking and breathing to be attractive? Do I just have low standards? Or do I have an "eclectic sense of the beautiful?" Or do I just need to turn off the damn TV and get out more?

If you haven't thought about why you like the people you like, I highly recommend that you do. Examining your crushes is a fun and telling way of determining what subconscious cues move you. It is also important to differentiate whether you have a crush on Cameron Diaz, or more accurately on her character from Something About Mary. Such is the power and nonsense of celebrity: in order to sustain itself, celebrity relies on the viewer's emotional transference of attraction from the fictional character to the individual actor. I used to have a major thing for John Cusack until I realized that I actually had a major thing for Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything. When I had that epiphany, I all of a sudden lost my interest in John Cusack the actor and just went and bought the movie DVD.

For the sake of research and the public good, I will share with you my insights into my own ridiculous crushes:

Jon Stewart: Cute in a non-JCrew-model kind of way. Comfortable with his Jewishness but not defined or limited by it. Funny in a non-shticky kind of way. Doesn't care what you think of him.

Ewan McGregor: Scottish. Comfortable in his own skin. Looks illegally amazing in a kilt. Seriously. Kilts were made for men with hairy legs and a twinkle in their eye; Ewan is just that man. Very funny in a dirty and off-color way. Doesn't care what you think of him.

Sean Connery: Scottish. Major attitude which can manifest itself as abrasiveness; which I suppose is a redundant repetition of "Scottish." ;) Very funny in a tres droll kind of way. Doesn't care what you think of him.

Tobey Maguire: Who knows? He's just cute in his Spiderman outfit. He probably cares a lot what you think of him. I have no idea if he's funny. But he made an upside-down kiss in the rain something "freezeframe--watch--rewind--freezeframe--watch--rewind" worthy, so he gets a pass on everything.

So what have I learned about myself? I like men who are confident enough to be authentically themselves, even--and especially-if they are eccentric. I like men with legs that look good in a kilt. I like men with legs that look good in spiderman suits. I guess what I'm saying is that I apparently like men's legs. I like men who are proud of their heritage and do not hesitate to live it and share it. And more than anything, I like men who make me laugh, be it about politics, religion, current events or farting. In fact, I especially like men who make me laugh about farting. Because if you don't think farts are funny, there is something very, very wrong with you.

Short Story Long: Has anyone seen Jon Stewart's legs?