Monday, October 30, 2006

ManDiggers: Morally Wrong

Peoplewatching has always been a passion. From my youngest days I always loved going to airports and parks and seeing all the varied and wonderful elements of life’s rich pageant traveling by. Belief in serendipity and the meant-to-be-ness of all things has also always been a passion. That’s why I think my seemingly-unfortunate mandatory time at Hopkins has become a part of my life for a larger reason, one ordained by no less than our Creator. That reason, friends, is to engage in both peoplewatching and peoplejudging. Yes, it's true. God told me, via Katherine Harris, Lynne Cheney and James Dobson, that he would smite my bone marrow but anoint my snarkiness; that it was okay to judge others harshly as long as I've got a staff who can revise and extend my remarks after the fact to assure those listening that I really did not say anything remotely offensive or morally judgmental, unless you agree with me and in that case I meant every word I said.

So, with my PR team at the ready, today’s object of concern was a 30-something man who came sauntering into my life in the waiting area. He was wearing a pair of Kevin Federline-worthy long, baggy shorts. You know the offending pantaloons of which I speak: those mid-calf denim long shorts/short jeans worn by young men of a certain fashion sensibility, namely, none whatsoever. The primary reasons these pants should not be worn are threefold:

1. Capri pants for men (and that is precisely what they are, even if you call them "clamdiggers" or "hip hop baggy shorts") is an idea whose time will and should never come. It’s just wrong. Wrong like any woman but Marlene Dietrich wearing a full tuxedo when not on a movie set. Wrong like any man standing over a grate in a flouncy dress just at the moment hot steam blows up. Wrong like…well…a man in capris.

2. There are few among us whose featured asset in a clothing ensemble should be their skinny-a** calves juxtaposed against wide-legged pants and massive sneakers. Much like heavy-legged women should wear neither large clunky shoes nor skinny stilettos for fear of visually enhancing the width of their calves, men with no calf definition should not be wearing outsize capris with massive footwear to highlight the spindly chicken legs they are sporting.

3. Capris on a man simply highlight the stereotypical commitment issues inherent in his character. ;) You see a man in capris and you know he just couldn’t commit to either shorts or pants; he wanted to have it both ways. Don’t have to do the work to have shorts-worthy legs, and don’t have to be a grown-up in actual pants.

So. The moral lesson of wearing "ManDiggers"? You might be able to have free milk and a cow with women, but you cannot have them with fashion. That, and they are the outward manifestation of the moral turpitude of the soul. God said so, and I agree.

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