Monday, October 09, 2006

Costco: Flying the Flag for Feminine Hygiene

GiGi took us on a pilgrimage to Costco today since we don't belong due to not really being able to consume 76 all-beef patties before they become unrecognizable freezer-burned discs of meaty mystery. I do love going to Costco just for the sheer human interest it engenders, however. I look in people's carts and judge them as humans based on the contents of those carts, ie, "Wow. That's a lot of beer; I sure hope that's for a party," or "You didn't seriously just buy 7 2-pound bags of Ruffles potato chips did you? Have you ever heard of the word 'cardiologist'?" It's an old-fashioned, all-American, snap-judgment juggernaut of fun.

What I love the most about Costco is seeing seemingly average people buying absolutely Biblical quantities of food and health&beauty aids that they cannot possibly actually be using. Por ejemplo, dude with a case of Trident White gum. 100 packs of 10 pieces each. One Thousand Pieces of Gum. Dude, you either own one of those street vendor roach coaches and are about to earn a huge markup, or you have some serious issues of confidence regarding halitosis.

Same with socks. Guy with a gross of tube socks with the 1980's colored stripes at the top. On how many appendages are you planning on wearing these socks, sir, if you don't mind me asking? For the love of god! 20 pairs?!

My favorite Costco item of all time, however, is the gi-normous (or should we say "gyn-normous"?) box of tampons. Woman with ONE HUNDRED tampons in a box. Really. 100?! Have you found a way to outwit menopause? Are you running a whorehouse? Or do you just abhor that not-so-fresh feeling of maybe running out of tampons before your granddaughter graduates from college? Or do you split them with a neighbor? But then how do you finesse that? "Hey, I went to Costco. Would you like an extra bottle of olive oil, three heads of lettuce...and 50 tampons?"

No comments: