Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Hit Me Baby, One More Time

UPDATE: TMZ says, "She tells the mag that the father is Casey Aldridge, who she has been dating for some time and first met at church." Man, they don't make churches like they used to, huh?

This link lets us know that Britney Spears' mom's inspirational book on raising two high-profile daughters is now "on hold" in light of the news that her second daughter, Britney's 16 year-old sister, Jamie Lynn is pregnant. I don't agree with the publisher's decision. I think they ought to release the book so parents everywhere can read up on what NOT to do.


Now, I don't mean to be ugly about this. Unintended pregnancies happen to the nicest and most decent of folks. I mean this in all seriousness. However, the difference between regular folks and Clan Spears is that our parents aren't writing How-To books on raising daughters! It's unreserved chutzpah plain and simple. It's also slanderous to southerners. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love telling people that my [southern state]'s marriage license application--I sh*t you not, friends--had a line for "bride-elect's relationship to groom." I remember spending about 15 minutes staring at that section, trying to figure out what the hell it was asking beyond what I thought it was asking. I finally, tentatively wrote in "none" and hoped it was the right answer. So, I am not so comedically talented as to be able to resist a cheap joke at the expense of our southern brethren and...sistern. But La Trollope Spears endangers her kids, drinks while walking down the street, and generally does not see any necessity in investing her millions in any sort of appropriate foundation garments--and then has the temerity to say, "We're country, y'all! That's just the way we do thangs down there!" If I was from Bucksnort Louisiana or whatever town she's from, I'd run that family out for making us all look like effing hicks. Actually, there's nothing wrong with being a hick. Some of my best friends are hicks (not really, but I'm trying to be magnanimous, darlings). My point is that she makes southerners look stupid, craven and oblivious to basic standards of existence (ie, do not drop kid on cement, do brush your child's teeth, do not drive with child in your lap). She can be forgiven, I suppose, for being a no-class heap of mess. But to put that on The South as if everyone from Memphis to Montgomery is driving around sans knickers is pure character assassination. I personally know at least three people from the South who all wear underwear and who do engage in morning, evening AND postprandial dental hygiene. You heard it here first, folks.

And if this post has pissed you off because my humor loses something in the translation, please don't worry. I'm from the North. Judgmental, smug and condescending is how we do it, y'all!!!

No comments: