Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Jerk-Off Mags and the Women Who Love Them

I just received in the mail today a brochure offering me "2 Risk-Free Issues!" of FHM magazine.

Yeah. FHM. "For His Masturbation" magazine.

My name is clearly a female name. I've never ordered anything "FHM-like," and I'm pretty much not going to be at all interested in seeing "why FHM is the only men's magazine that crosses the line..." or in getting "an incredibly hot free bonus gift" with my order. It promised me "Opening lines that will make any wild female putty in your hands" and "cool fashions she absolutely wants you to wear (and take off)."

WTF, people?!! What about my demographic (ie, female, female, and female) would put me on the mailing list for a jerk-off mag?!!

I mean, as thrilled as I am to finally be included among the group of meathead subscribers to soft-core-itude, I'm not so psyched that a flier with half naked women was sent to my home. Not that I have issues with nudity; it's just that annoying, male-idealized nudity, you know the kind where the woman is posed on all fours with her ass up in the air looking seductively at the camera? Yeah. Ever tried that pose? Hurts like a mofo. Women don't do that, even when with men. It's a strictly magazine-invented pose for dudes who don't get enough time with real women to know it's fake. It's also annoying because it's basically soft core p*rn, saved from the Hustler shelf at the store only by the fact that they don't show nipples.

At any rate, even if I were interested in seeing how I could become putty in his hands or how he might trick me into bed in 10 steps or less, I have a strict rule about not buying any publication with multiple Tara Reid and Paris Hilton covers. Especially with their asses in the air...

6 comments:

misterfed said...

Wow, now the rest of my browsing today is going to be really kind of awkward.

Anonymous said...

My ex boyfriend used to subscribe to that AND maxim and couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy about it.

Your expansion of the FHM explains why, in terms even he can understand.

Joe Tornatore said...

i never knew there was such a mag. I hope the pages come laminated.

Vigilante said...

Come on Joe, be real:

i never knew there was such a mag.

Where do you get your hair cut? Or do you have any?

Raine said...

Cause you know, there's nothing sexier than a woman contorted into positions that would make Boneless Man cringe.

Jeebus. Would any guy here ask their girlfriend or wife to "face down, ass in the air?"

Didn't think so.

E said...

Aaah Raine, you obviously haven't dated any men recently... ;)