Thursday, December 08, 2005

Bitter Betty: My Alter Ego

People who know me see me as this sort of funny, very upbeat, totally positive individual. (I think. Unless you want to add "deluded" to that list...) But only the people who know me best (and I guess now, you, dear reader) know that I have a very nasty alter ego I have named Bitter Betty.

E sees someone saying something annoying and thinks, "you are more to be pitied than scorned. Or, actually, you are pitied in my heart but scorned on my blog." Bitter Betty, alternatively, says, "F*** you, a-wipe, for thinking that!"

Bitter Betty was out in force today. Bitter Betty was not havin' it. She was not playin' wit you. And she most certainly was not gettin' wit how you roll.

To wit, I was in full-on Betty mode. I went to what I thought was a routine doctor's appointment only to find out I am falling apart hematologically. Just some seriously crappy blood counts leading to some very solemn "hmmming" and "I seeing" from my doctor, leading to me getting mad that I can't seem to buy a break these days, leading to me deciding to hate stupid people who don't know how good they've got it.

I ended up at a "regular" hospital rather than at NIH (which is a whole separate post you don't even want to begin reading), and I sh*t you not, was sitting in a waiting room listening to one of the hospital staff talk about how "totally bummed" she is to be turning 30. I tried to ignore her, but she kept yammering away to her colleagues about "Yep. Three-Oh has really got me sad; I'm not handling it well." It was literally all I could do to not get out of my chair, walk up to her behind The Desk and say, "FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID MORONIC BITCH! WHAT IS YOUR PLANNED ALTERNATIVE TO TURNING THIRTY AND THANKING GOD FOR THE GOOD FORTUNE TO DO SO?!!?" I'm like, you are sitting behind the desk in a freakin' hematology/oncology department and you are seriously going on and on about how you're so sad and so not prepared for another birthday?!! Could you take that outside? Did you not notice yourself surrounded by people--22 and 33 and 55 and 78--who are PRAYING for another birthday?!! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID, SELFISH, MORONIC, SELF-INVOLVED BITCH!"

Um. Did I just say that out loud?

Good thing I didn't! But I was definitely thinking it. Actually, Bitter Betty was. E was all peace and goodwill and continuous dedication to finding humor in tragedy.

Blame it on Betty. Who apparently puts * in the word shit but puts fuck in ALL CAPS.


Vigilante said...

Betty, I'm just barely on the surface of gettin' wit how you roll. But I'm digging in and taking notes. I'll need them before I have any business now of knowing.

redsoxnationbaby said...

Are you kidding? We rely on you for just that kind of family-friendly fare. If you're going to drop the F-bomb, you might as well all-cap it. ;)

redsoxnationbaby said...

ps--I wish you'd given the girl the smackdown. Sometimes people are not emotionally as mature as their years suggest and they need a rude awakening to get the message. also because that would have been a great post!

Joe Tornatore said...

bitter betty, you can spilt the blog right down the middle and write on both sides of the ledger.

Miko said...

Betty has every right to bust out her POV under these circumstances! Plus, Betty's wicked funny.

My only consolation in situations like these is to remember that life gets to everyone, eventually. No human can escape sobering confrontations with the reality of existence on earth. This gal at the office just hasn't had hears yet. (and turning 30 isn't it). One day, something will happen that reminds this gal that a) it ain't all about her, and that b) life is short and precious. At that time, she will cringe to think of all the things like this she's said.

E said...

Amen, Miko. Sometimes that is the ONLY consolation during a miserable time; that everybody gets theirs someday and you just have to let human events take their course. You're right. She'll encounter some terrible, painful moment where she will look back and say, "I cannot believe I actually was bummed about turning 30! I wish some hot, blond, awesome chica had punched me in the face back in the day!"

Machiavelli always said that people who do dishonorable and hurtful things to you no doubt do it to others, and so the best way to win in the end is to step aside and let one of the other "victims" do the work of leveling them, thereby preserving your own honor while the malefactor goes down regardless. In this case, I'm going to--as you say--let life do the leveling.

well said as always, Miko!