Sunday, December 04, 2005

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?!!!?

Ginny is a nurse at NIH who is a dear and lovely woman who cares deeply for her patients, loves to make us laugh---but who lacks an internal monologue. There is not a thought that enters her head that does not come careening out of her mouth without warning.

When I told her I was adopting from China she launched into a whole screed about her brother who adopted from Romania and ohmygodthatkidhassomanyproblemsohmygod--sobecarefulthatthekidisn't
totallyretardedorsomething.

Then in the same breath she'd say, "I'm so excited for you! Bring photos as soon as you get them!" Um, you mean you want photos of my chineseadoptedretardedtroubledbaby? Okay, I'll get right on that.

Although I am doing a terrible job of creating the picture with this post, she really is a lovely and well-meaning lady. She just has no filter between brain and mouth. Take last Friday's visit for example. Among the joyous cocktails of meds I've been on, I'm currently taking one that has a plethora of interesting side effects, some of which I've had, some of which I haven't. One of the reported side effects is, well, (mom, dad, rabbi, and anyone else to whom I'm related, please stop reading here).."increased libido." (For the rest of the story to make sense it will also be key to know that a healthy hemoglobin [blood oxygen] level is between 12 and 15 somethingorothers per millisomething; less than 10 isn't great; less than 8 is misery; less than 7 and they're wondering how you got there without passing out).

So as Ginny is taking my vitals, asking about my meds/dosages/etc and chatting with me in front of a couple of other nurses and my very shy off-the-boat-from-Russia (male) doctor, she says, "Doesn't that stuff make you horny? Have you been horny from that?"

{Silence}

Shy Russian doctor turns red and starts to stammer. Other nurse gasps. Other nurse looks at me apologetically. Ginny says, "Well?! What's the deal? Horny or not?!"

And I, graduate of the "Evading Tim Russert" School of Political Doublespeak, say:

"Ask me again when my hemoglobin isn't 6.2..."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm posting anonymously so I don't embarrass you. LOLOLOLOL!!!

Totally funny. I am always inspired by how you have the ability to take the most bizarre, upsetting or heartbreaking situations and turn them into funny prose.

It's a gift you have, E. A real gift.

misterfed said...

Is this stuff available over the counter?

apples said...

I think I might already be on that stuff without knowing about it...