Monday, November 15, 2004

Political: Route 69 to be 86'd by the Christians

Having cured cancer and having secured a brighter future for America through strong defense and an active, engaged populace, Congress' best and brightest can now commence spending our tax money on truly meaningful efforts such as the following:

John Hostettler, the Congressman representing the 8th district of Indiana, has been convinced by local religious groups to introduce legislation in the House that would change the name of an Interstate 69 extension to a more moral sounding number.

There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state’s economy, religious conservatives believe “I-69” sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate’s number.

Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. “Every time I have been out in the public with an ‘I-69’ button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.”

As a matter of fact, naming the highway’s extension I-69 is a violation of the Interstate Highway System’s rules for numbering roads. Interstates numbers are to increase from west to east. If the extension through southern Indiana is named I-69, then 69 will be west of I-65, a direct violation.

“Naming the road I-63 not only follows numbering guidelines, it doesn’t have the sexual undertones that I-69 has,” says Hostettler, “It is a win-win situation.”

Short Story Long:
Dearest Christian Right: if you don't tell people it's dirty, most of them will not think it's dirty. Thank you for CREATING smut where none existed, you dirty-minded holier-than-thou morons. Are we seriously using taxpayer money to save this Congressman from the snickers of TEENAGERS?!!! Hell, that means he can never have a cocktail party, discuss rubber import tariffs or drug interDICtion, wear Dickies slacks, have a weenie roast, honor the brave seamen in the gulf or....hell, let's face it; he can no longer say ANYTHING in front of teenagers because they will find something dirty in anything. It seems, though, that the person needing to grow up is not the teenager...


Vigilante said...

I noticed you didn't mention the Congressman's party affiliation. It wasn't necessary.

Anonymous said...

I would find this hilarious if it wasn't so scary. He is now using taxpayer money and his constituents' trust to change something that HE says is dirty. It's like buildings that don't have a 13th floor. Now nothing in the world can be #69. Stupid Stupid Stupid.