Saturday, February 17, 2007

Beautiful Pharmaceutical

I was about to write this post on the topic of my new meds and their side effects. Then I realized that, for one reason, it would be the most trite and uninspired screed ever put to paper: They simply don't make drugs that indirectly cause a combination of weight loss, increased muscle tone, clear skin, mental clarity and perpetually fresh breath. No news here.

Duh. Writing about weight gain, acne, insomnia, elevated liver enzymes and whatnot from medicine is about as groundbreaking and inspiring as reporting that rain makes you wet, snow is white and Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican. Duh.

So what I will do, rather than detail my slowing-increasing density, my dismaying quantity of comedones and my amazing ability to fall asleep anytime AFTER 2am, is issue a challenge to Big Pharma, an industry facing challenges with lapsing patents, competition, increasing costs and public backlash:

Ladies and Gentlemen of Big Pharma. This is the United States of America. Land of "You Can Have It All" and "The Consequences of my Actions Are...(Um, What are 'Consequences?')" It takes a lot of imagination and civic spirit to come up with all the permutations of what we can have and how we can not be held responsible for it, and we as a society have been hard at work doing just that. It's been backbreaking work--and plenty of it--but I think we're really seeing some payoff.

So what have you all been doing in the meantime? Oh that's right. You've been giving us "reality" a la

"We can give you a 3 hour erection, but it might cause a heart attack"
"We can lower your cholesterol, but in so doing we will fry your liver"
"We can increase your red blood cell production but you'll spend a good portion of all that newfound energy on popping your zits and hiding your eyebags."

NOT GOOD ENOUGH, is what I say to that, Big Pharma. Not bloody good enough. Your drug-induced side effects show an appalling lack of imagination and a complete ignorance of the current cultural zeitgeist, not to mention an undercurrent of anti-American "yin-yanginess." I'm sorry, but offering "treatment with tradeoffs" is not going to cut it in 2007. People want erections and they don't want them being ruined by all of your multiple-system-failure side effect warnings. You hear me? You all need to check yourselves, and HARD. Then you need to get to work on creating drugs that have pleasant side effects--especially for those of us who are your involuntary consumers.

So. I'm heading off for a walk to burn a calorie or two from my rapidly-proliferating ass fat. In the meantime, I look forward to hearing that you have developed a bone marrow drug that decreases cellulite, lengthens eyelashes, creates glowing clear skin, whitens teeth and makes farts smell like gardenias.


Anonymous said...

Eyebags... I heard during recent E! Red Carpet commentary that the makeup artists to the stars apply hemorrhoid cream to magically reduce under-eye puffiness. Guess we could thank Little Pharma if it actually works. :)

St said...

My new one increases metabolism, woohoo!! Of course you have to wait for the "drooling idiot" effect to wear off before you can appreciate the weight loss...
Hmm, so it'll make me skinny, but I'll be brain dead? Sign me up!

Joe Tornatore said...

my meds treat my skin disease but cause hair loss. bumner

Anonymous said...

E. I'm just going to say it. You weigh all of a buck ten, so even if you gain ten pounds of pure jiggly fat you will still look awesome. Don't worry about the pimples. They'll make you look like a teenager.

Vigilante said...

LOL, Anon.