Monday, December 04, 2006

WWJD: What Would Jeff Do?

By now you've heard the earth-shattering news that Greg "The Yellow One" Page is leaving The Wiggles for health reasons. No, not MENTAL health reasons, although I can certainly sympathize with anyone who must sing "Fruit Salad Yummy Yummy" 988 times in one year. Although, I take that back. He's richer than Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe combined, and I'm genetically unable to offer sympathy to people in certain tax brackets for any reason.

So no more Greg Wiggle. His understudy Sam will be taking over, which begs the question of whether he will become "Sam Wiggle" or whether they'll keep calling him Greg. Or will they do a Charlie's Angels type thing where Jill Munroe's cousin Kris Munroe comes to visit and voila! Hello, Cheryl Ladd, buh-bye Farrah Fawcett? Or was that Chrissy Snow's cousin Powdery Snow visiting and voila! Hello Jennilee Harrison, buh-bye Suzanne Somers? Or when Van Halen just kept firing singers till they couldn't even hire Clay Aiken? Or when Sandy Duncan moved in when Valerie Harper moved out of The Hogan Family/Valerie's Family? Or maybe it will be more like when Derwood Stevens was, like, three different guys in the space of 4 seasons of Bewitched?

I'm getting some health issues just trying to figure it all out.

Good thing Bambina is all about Jeff. About whom, I might add: someone asked whether Bambina liked him because he's Asian. I was like, "Um, no. It's because he wears a purple shirt. If Dolph "Viking Poster Child" Lundgren wore a purple shirt she'd be all into him too, Aryan credentials notwithstanding."

Okay, I didn't actually use the word "notwithstanding." I think I said something more like "Duh." Point being that purple is where it's at right now. I've spent approximately the GDP of the Federated States of Micronesia on new purple shirts in an attempt to get her to stop wearing this one, not-actually-cute purple shirt she wears night and day, day and night, every single day, even under the still-ubiquitous puppy costume. I have grown to hate that shirt, so large is its presence in her pantheon of Important Things.

Today I think we had a breakthrough. I explained to her that Jeff "The Purple One" Wiggle does indeed wear a purple shirt all the time, but it's not the same shirt every time. See? In that photo he's a cowboy! He's wearing a purple (can anyone say "gay bar"?!) shirt with tassles and (oh dear god I never noticed this before) purple chaps. See when he's in bed and we're singing "Wake Up Jeff!" He's wearing a purple nightgown! See him pretending to be an opera singer? Purple tuxedo shirt! Therefore, we must Do What Jeff Would Do. And that means we will now wear THIS purple shirt with long sleeves, pink stripes, and a pink heart in the middle. Trust me. It's still purple. And Jeff would approve.

Success! She excitedly put on the shirt, clapped her approval, smiled and giggled at her "Jeff nighttime shirt," all while I managed to follow two separate--but equally necessary--mental tracks: one to plot the destruction of the original purple shirt, and the other to ensure the health and safety of Jeff Wiggle till Bambina is in college.

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