L'shana Tovah (Happy New Year), to my fellow Tribe members. It's Rosh Hashanah, and that means it's the new year. We went to temple today with Bambina. We were in the kiddie services where the leader was asking the kids in a lead-up to a song, "Is anyone bigger than God?"
"Is anyone sweeter than God?"
"Is anyone more loving than God?"
"Is anyone faster than God?"
Bambina (at full volume): "Yes!"
I turned to her (along with everyone else) and whispered, "Who is faster than God?" She looked at me very earnestly and said, "Me."
Then we went to Gram and Pop's house for dinner. While they were cooking, we were hanging out in the den with Cliff "The Sniff," the family big dog. Cliff has a funny practice of jumping around on the couch, knocking the cushions off, and generally acting like a canine hoodlum for about 3 minutes. Then he shakes himself off and goes on his way self-satisfied, having worked out his extra energy on the sofa while we all watch and laugh. Well, tonight Cliff did not disappoint. Only this time, he was packing heat. As he was jumping around I noticed that his doggie weiner was out. And I mean OUT. Like, I need to disinfect my eyes, out. Out. So far out that Bambina noticed it. She said, "What is that thing coming out of his bum?!" The BBDD and I looked at each other, like, who is gonna blink first and have to answer this question. BBDD weighed in with, "That's not his bum." Which of course is not an answer, so the question was asked again: "What is that coming out of his bum?" We stare each other down again. Oh for heavens sake, I'll do it: "Bambina, that is not his bum. It is his dog penis." The BBDD is now struggling to contain his laughter...and horror. And let me defend my use of the term "dog penis" by saying that I too was flailing around without a clue how to answer this very understandable query."
Bambina: "Dog penis?!!"
Me: "Yes. Like boys have penises, so do boy dogs. And that's his."
But wait, it gets worse. I apparently, in my shock and horror at having seen Cliff's family jewels OUT, followed that up with serious verbal diarrhea: "You know, how boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Well, Cliff has a penis because he is a boy dog; and girl dogs have dog vaginas." The BBDD literally could not contain himself and started laughing. In fact, he is still reminding me as I write this, that I used the term "dog vagina" in front of our kid.
In my defense, NO ONE should see a dog's penis OUT. Even my limited knowledge of animal husbandry tells me that even female dogs don't have to see it OUT. It just ain't right. BBDD and I are both feeling a little scarred by the experience, let alone the fact that our kid saw it too. And on a religious holiday, no less!
On the bright side, it looks like at least one member of the family's new year is off to a rousing start...