Suburban Living

Let's consider this Chapter One in my new book, "How the 'Burbs are Not Like the City."

I'm sitting on the porch right now and I'm about 10 feet away from a large mob of turkeys. I kid you not. Turkeys. Not the human kind, the birds. The poultry. Los pavos. It's a good thing Bambina is out at a playdate because the big one jumped up on the fence so close to me and so loudly (and in a manner that caused all the other birds in the yard to am-scray SAP-Ay), that I actually said, "Holy Sh*t!" at a discernible volume. Or more accurately, I didn't "say" it and I didn't yell it really, which I suppose means that I "exclaimed" it, not having previously been near a turkey in my life that wasn't already basted. (No calls please, PETA)

My thoughts? Turkeys are f'ing scary, yo. That Mama Turkey, I've just noticed, has a group of little turkeys with her. Which might explain her rather aggressive nature. She is big and she is not to be messed with. I would no sooner approach her in this suburban garden than I would a rottweiler in a junkyard. I could get shivved.

Hmmm...maybe this is not so different from the city after all.