Friday, April 06, 2007

I Am A Bad M*** F***

BBDD and I were chatting yesterday about my less-than-stellar blood counts. I was remarking on my surprise and delight that, notwithstanding my horrifically low neutrophil count, that I had not yet gotten fevers or infections. BBDD answered, "That's because the 37 neutrophils you have are totally bad-ass."

I laughed hysterically and then realized: he's damn right. I may only have 37 neutrophils when I should have thousands, but those 37? They are Samuel L. "Bad Mutha F'er" Jacksons. I started picturing my 37 little neutros doing their Jules from Pulp Fiction thing, quoting Ezekiel 25: 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brothers' keeper and finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.' Now I've been saying that s*** for years, and if you've ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant, I just thought it was a cold blooded thing to say to a mother f***er before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some s*** this morning that made me think twice. Now I'm thinking it could mean you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here is the shepherd, protecting my righteous ass. .."

Then I wondered about my platelets and red cells. Who would they be if they were anthropomorphized? Send me your suggestions and the winners will represent in my new Blood Cell Health Visualization program. Or something.

Getting to Know My Blood Cells:
Platelets. Historically reliable, and then suddenly not. A little of them goes a long way, they do good stuff in small numbers. But when they randomly melt down it is a complete and utter scene. They hold it together until the bitter end and then--BLAM--they need twelve kinds of intervention to stop the shame spiral. Tom Cruise, maybe?

Red Cells: Have always been a problem. Even when they were only failing once a year, they were resolutely recidivist, requiring a bailout at some point in the future. When they were good, they were transcendent. But when they were bad, they were diabolically bad. Robert Downey, Jr perhaps?

Like I said, send me your suggestions and we'll see if we can't concoct a hematologically diverse and entertaining cast of characters. The winners receive a "Save The Haggis" T-shirt, which now that I think about it, has yet to be designed...


Anonymous said...

Platelets: Courtney Love?

Vigilante said...

Gawd Save The Haggis!

Anonymous said...

I like the Downey for red cells.

St said...

Six Feet Under, anyone?
platelets are Billy
red cells are Brenda