Thursday, April 12, 2007

Attagirl, Ativan!

I had a bone marrow biopsy today. Only, this time I scored some Ativan before the big dig got underway.

Good lord, why have I not been on more drugs like this?! Ativan is delightful in every way. You're totally conscious but you're totally relaxed. Everything's cool, everything's nice. The nurse practitioner who did the dig was amazing too, to give her her due. She talked very calmly, asked me questions about my life to keep me talking, told me what she was doing as she did it (which I thought I'd hate but ended up feeling grateful for), and in general gave me--and I say this in total seriousness--The Best Bone Marrow Biopsy in Medical History, if there can be such an achievement.

You see, I've had Quick and Excruciating. I've had Slow and Quite Painful. I've had Slow and Excruciating. I've had one that I can't bring myself to recall in order to describe it properly, except to say that I cried all through it like my dog had just been killed--and they were coming for me next. But this one--drug assisted--was really, truly (dare I say it?) okay. Now, don't go making appointments for a BMBX just for the experience. But if you ever need one, go to Hopkins and ask for the woman I had today.

The only hiccup was when she was actually finishing it up and doing the "reverse grind" to pull the ice pick out of the bone. Something visceral just seized, like my body was wondering: "WTF is going on??!! This is not right!! That's not supposed to happen to a bone!" And then came the nausea, which thankfully I managed to talk down for fear that I'd start wretching with an ice pick still in my open hip bone. Luckily, talking myself down from the barf left me too busy to think about the final bizarre weird exquisite pain that occurs when they pull it out and say, "We're done!"

In any case, I held down my breakfast, delivered some primo bone marrow for general research as well as for my own situation, and started thinking about how women interact differently from men.
For instance, BM woman and I shared a little post-coital lovefest that I just can't envision between two guys:
Thank you, you were so good!
No. You were so good. You were a great patient.
Well, if I was great it was because you are so good at what you do.
Well I'm just glad you are feeling good.
Well, I appreciate everything you did to make that possible.
Blah blah blah. Ending in hugs.

It's wonderful to be a woman. You show a woman a little a** crack, let her take your bone marrow, she makes it hurt so good, and all of a sudden it's the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Which is why it's wonderful to be a woman. Even a woman getting ice-picked.

1 comment:

Vigilante said...

Why does that procedure have to be so painful? Why do you have to be conscious?