Friday, November 17, 2006

I'd Rather See You Pantsless

Courtesy of the person who used to live in this house, we receive the monthly Orvis catalog. What is Orvis, you ask? I have no earthly idea, but they do have a lot of dogs in their catalogs that delight Bambina, so I usually peruse their wares just to let her see the puppies.

The other reason I look through the catalog is that they sell weirdly compatible items that shouldn't really go together but somehow do: like super luxury dog beds on the same page with men's ties bearing likenesses of dogs in several choices of breed. Or a lifesized WWI propeller with a bomber jacket. I've always found the catalog to be amusing in a "who buys this stuff?!" kind of way. Today, however, I just simply have to put my foot down and say Enough is Enough, Orvis. The joke ends here and now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Embroidered Holiday Cords

The tagline says, "These pants tell the world he’s got the holiday spirit."

I'm going to put forth the notion that these pants indicate something entirely different than the wearer's yuletide glee. These pants tell the world that the wearer is a massive WASP with no taste. Or a southern gentleman at his country club's annual Christmas breakfast. Or, may I suggest, a huge horse's ass.

I know some of you thought I was going to say that these pants make a man look gay, but I'm going to stop you right there and let you know that I don't know a single gay man who would ever be caught dead in these breeches. Unless he was closeted and trying to pretend to be just another country club horse's ass.

Regardless, I'm simply suggesting that we collectively acknowledge when something is disturbingly more "feliz" than "navidad," and we work together to stop it becoming socially acceptable.

Ed's note: Should we be friends and you already own these, I didn't mean to call you a horse's ass behind your back. Wear them to my house and I'll say it to your face. ;)

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