Ladies and Gentlemen,
It gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of SS Haggis: Spiritual Advisor.
Yep. A Spiritual Advisor. Bill Clinton had several during his terms of office, and during the Monica contretemps. Jesse Jackson was interviewed by CNN with billing as "Michael Jackson's Spiritual Advisor." The list goes on and on. Every time a celebrity gets caught, literally or figuratively, with their pants down, it seems that they turn to the services of a Spiritual Advisor for cover.
It's as if having a spiritual person on retainer translates into being not guilty. I mean, how bad a pedophile could MJ be if he has a spiritual advisor, right?!! The man cares about his spirit! About his theology! About his spiritual growth! NO WAY could he have molested a kid; I notice the kid does not have a spiritual advisor. Doesn't his family CARE about spirituality?! They're probably lying then.
So it just seemed like a license to print money: many many people in many kinds of trouble, needing just that little something to help them dodge the law. The Haggis, my friends, is just that something. I'll pimp myself out to TV stations, shouting head talk radio, personal meetings, whatever and wherever I am needed to ensure that people know what a Deeply Spiritual person you are, and therefore innocent of all charges.
"Momentito, por favor, Senorita Haggis," you may be saying. "How can a Reform Jew with a twist of Presbyterian possibly advise members of the public at large who may not share that religious flavor?"
Good question. However, I simply point to Jesse Jackson, Baptist preacher, ministering to MJ, the Lapsed Jehovah's Witness, and I remain breathless with anticpation that I'll figure out something deeply spiritual to say to people of all religions. Perhaps: "Because of his deep spiritual integrity, my client will no longer allow young boys into his bed" and "my client will no longer allow young women into his oval office..."