Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Your Next Spiritual Advisor

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of SS Haggis: Spiritual Advisor.

Yep. A Spiritual Advisor. Bill Clinton had several during his terms of office, and during the Monica contretemps. Jesse Jackson was interviewed by CNN with billing as "Michael Jackson's Spiritual Advisor." The list goes on and on. Every time a celebrity gets caught, literally or figuratively, with their pants down, it seems that they turn to the services of a Spiritual Advisor for cover.

It's as if having a spiritual person on retainer translates into being not guilty. I mean, how bad a pedophile could MJ be if he has a spiritual advisor, right?!! The man cares about his spirit! About his theology! About his spiritual growth! NO WAY could he have molested a kid; I notice the kid does not have a spiritual advisor. Doesn't his family CARE about spirituality?! They're probably lying then.

So it just seemed like a license to print money: many many people in many kinds of trouble, needing just that little something to help them dodge the law. The Haggis, my friends, is just that something. I'll pimp myself out to TV stations, shouting head talk radio, personal meetings, whatever and wherever I am needed to ensure that people know what a Deeply Spiritual person you are, and therefore innocent of all charges.

"Momentito, por favor, Senorita Haggis," you may be saying. "How can a Reform Jew with a twist of Presbyterian possibly advise members of the public at large who may not share that religious flavor?"

Good question. However, I simply point to Jesse Jackson, Baptist preacher, ministering to MJ, the Lapsed Jehovah's Witness, and I remain breathless with anticpation that I'll figure out something deeply spiritual to say to people of all religions. Perhaps: "Because of his deep spiritual integrity, my client will no longer allow young boys into his bed" and "my client will no longer allow young women into his oval office..."


Raine said...

Just say God and Jesus a lot, in the possessive, like "God hates this," or "Jesus wants that." Make it sound like you know exactly what the will of the supreme divine ruler is, so you can bully people's opinions around and twist what they say into extreme-left sounding blasphemy. Yell a lot, and if people stop listening to what you say, yell even more. The fact that you are only supposed to be "advising," is moot. You are proving that your client is a spiritual being, and thus, worthy of forgiveness by those of the same religion (in the US of A, likely Christian).

SquareSlant said...

Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Shapton, Rev. Jerry Fallwell and Rev. Pat Robertson --- hmmmmmm think both sides of the polictal system abuse GOD.

Personally - I think there is a speacial place in hell for all of the above.

E said...

I agree. There are actually two section in that "special place in hell." For conservatives, it is a nonstop Marilyn Manson concert featuring intermission standup comedy by Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kinison and Martin Lawrence. For the more liberal side of the church aisle, there is a nonstop loop of sermons by all the guys in the conservative special place in hell.

Oh--and no available hairspray for either side.