Saturday, June 25, 2005

Meeting John Ashcroft

So I said hello to John Ashcroft today.

Yep. Out walking the bambina in her stroller when a little toddler boy yells from a garden, "Hiya!!" So I look over and say, "Hiya cutie pie!" to the little guy. Just as the words are leaving my mouth I notice that he is being held in the arms of none other than former attorney general John Ashcroft.

It was a very funny moment for two reasons: a) because I could tell that he thought for a brief second that I was waving at and talking to HIM, by the "oh my god a crazed stalker" look of terror on his face which immediately softened when he noticed the little boy waving like crazy toward me and the bambina; and b) because as this was happening I was imagining an alternate plane of existence where the meeting would go very differently, and it was making me laugh to myself.

The real thing ended with Us Girls waving and moving on, as if nothing had happened. For the sake of the Alternate Ending, it is important to note that I was wearing an army green canvas-y skirt, black flip flops and my treasured vintage black sleeveless Rizzo from Grease T-shirt. It has a screen print of Stockard Channing on it, with the word "FONGOOL!" written in hot pink above it. I love the shirt because---well, it's a whole other post--but suffice to say I love this shirt. I also like it because it, put delicately, fits in such a way as to perhaps suggest just a hint of additional boobage than may in reality be present. "Eeeeeee-xcellent, Simpson!"

The alternate ending involved a dialogue with F.A.G. (Former Attorney General) Ashcroft, as he likes to be called, marching toward me with his finger waving, bellowing, "Young lady, am I to understand that your garment bears the word 'fongool'? What kind of mother are you? Have you no shame? To have the word 'fongool' shouting to passersby, many of whom are children, from the mantle of your heaving bosom, is nothing less than a disgrace!" At this point, he snapped his fingers and about 20 government worker minions ran toward me with draping, and covered up my shirt, the word Fongool, and my heaving bosom with a "modesty panel."
I then served as the backdrop for his next press conference.

Man, I LOVE living on Capitol Hill!

2 comments:

Raine said...

Next thing you know, you're experiencing extraordinary rendition first hand, and you're deported to Canada for interrogation on the topic of "Muhammed al'Fangool" and his possible connection with the al Qaeda network in Iraq.

J/king. I haven't seen much to link Ashcroft to rendition, but the fact that the government does it makes me leery of being in proximity to any official. Even my own in Canada.

kingoftherabbits said...

I'm thinking maybe since John Ashcroft has a bit of free time, he could dog-sit some for your neighbors. So many problems could be solved that way.