Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus

Friends, this is total nonsense. Men are NOT from Mars, and women are NOT from Venus. Rather, men are from the planet "Huh?!" and women are from the planet, "How can you NOT KNOW THIS?!"

I've been banging my head against a wall lately with a man or two in my life. You know how you have those conversations that just seem to go around and around, always ending up back at the point where the guy says, "I don't get why you are mad" and the woman says, "I CANNOT believe you don't get why this is wrong/stupid/mean/inconsiderate/embarrassing/ludicrous..."?

Much has been made by men of the inscrutability of women, but I have recently spent a considerable amount of my own--and my girl friends' time--trying to unlock the mystery that is the male brain. I ask the following questions about men (in the spirit of loving bafflement), for input from men and women alike:

1) If you KNOW they are fake, why do you still like them? Doesn’t knowing they aren’t real ruin the whole point of looking at them? If I had a computer full of photos of men with glaringly obvious penile implants, wouldn’t you wonder why I found that enjoyable? Wouldn’t you say, “why not just look at a smaller, functioning real one than one you know isn’t entirely real?” This is all I’m asking.

2) Why do some men not make the connection between the importance (as Chris Rock says) of “keeping your daughter ‘off the pole’” and the obvious fact that you are looking at someone else’s daughter on the pole? Why does it feel like women see the larger picture, the wider ramifications of things, while men see…well, boobies? This is all I’m asking.

3) If you love a girl, why do you find it so hard to just make the leap and say so publicly? Not one of my married friends ended up married without telling the guy, “your window is closing; and when it’s closed I’m gone.” Why does it take a friendly ultimatum to get you to do what you know you want to/ought to/need to do anyway? This is all I’m asking.

4) Why is it, when you fall for a girl who dislikes your female friends, that you don’t see the massive, waving red flag? Corollary: why are you so afraid to admit you have female friends to your girlfriend? If they are just friends like you say they are, what’s the big deal? This is all I’m asking.

5) Why is it “obsessive” to remember people’s birthdays and anniversaries and to send them greeting cards? This is all I’m asking.

6) Why the belief that you can overuse the phrase “I love you” with your female partner? Why the total lack of knowledge that you simply cannot tell a woman too many times that she is beautiful and she rocks your world? Especially when she is naked. This is all I’m asking.

7) Why the insistence on the drinking of OJ out of the carton?

8) Why—why—why the attraction to Angelina Jolie? Why?

9) Why the encyclopedic knowledge of sports with the concomitant cluelessness on important dates such as “our 6 month anniversary,” “the 6 month anniversary of the first time we were ‘together’,” “the 7th anniversary of our 6th week together since Arbor Day?”

10) Why the insistence on “dutch ovens”?

This is all I’m asking.

6 comments:

misterfed said...

I'm a man, so I sort of zoned out for most of that, but #8 is the lips and the rack.

Raine said...

Here, I'll handle this, being as enlightened (*pfft*) as I am.

1) This is media talking. We don't actually care all that much about size, or whether they're real or not. We just care that they're there.

2)When men attempt to see the larger picture, they are berated by women as "something being wrong with them." This is from personal experience.

3)Saying it in public is like scribing it in stone. Once it's done, there's no going back, and everyone is witness to it. Most of the time it's a step forward, but for many men, its a moment we regret later when things fall apart.

4) Because women can be jealous, and since they are women, guys like to play it safe. It's not like we can say something and shrug it off if it obviously upsets our girlfriend. Stuff like this is almost guaranteed to come up in an argument. Friend or not, everything I guy holds dear that is not his girlfriend can become fodder in a heated argument.

5) It's not. It's a sign of apathy when you forget somebody's birthday/anniversary, etc.

6)From a poet and writer's point of view, the phrase "I love you," is overused, especially if your girlfriend has had previous boyfriends. It gets to the point where "I love you" = "Sex please", and... well, yeah. It's kind of a drag.

7)Can't answer this one. I drink apple juice.

8) Supposedly, she's really hot. Hell, she even attracts girls. Doesn't do a thing for me though, considering she's old enough to be my mother (more or less, I'm aware there would have to be a few more years difference).

9)I don't give a frick about sports, but I have an encyclopedic knowledge about just about everything else. The part about the retarded anniversaries is sorta connected to number 3. Guys trying to make their girlfriends feel loved, without actually scribing the stone, so to speak.

10) Also can't answer this one. I dont' use dutch ovens, prefer Barbeque.

Also, for a note on your male friends inability to understand why something is upsetting. Two things to know. EVERYONE has problems seeing an issue from two sides. The unique things with guys is that they are aggressive in enforcing and defending their views. Roughly translated: If a guy thinks something shouldn't make you mad, then you shouldn't be mad, unless it's you being unreasonable. Crack the ego and reason it through.

Well, hope that was informative. I've had some questions of my own, but I know getting anwers for them is impossible, so I'll just keep them for myself.

LinkDeath said...

I'm probably a bad person to be filling this all in, as my wife keeps telling me I'm not a 'typical man'. So here goes:


1) If you KNOW they are fake, why do you still like them? Doesn’t knowing they aren’t real ruin the whole point of looking at them? If I had a computer full of photos of men with glaringly obvious penile implants, wouldn’t you wonder why I found that enjoyable? Wouldn’t you say, “why not just look at a smaller, functioning real one than one you know isn’t entirely real?” This is all I’m asking.

A. If they're fake, I *don't* really enjoy them. Give me an all-natural woman any day of the week.

2) Why do some men not make the connection between the importance (as Chris Rock says) of “keeping your daughter ‘off the pole’” and the obvious fact that you are looking at someone else’s daughter on the pole? Why does it feel like women see the larger picture, the wider ramifications of things, while men see…well, boobies? This is all I’m asking.

A. Are you kidding? I plan on locking my daughter in her room until she's 45! Okay, I know that won't happen, but a father can dream, can't he?

3) If you love a girl, why do you find it so hard to just make the leap and say so publicly? Not one of my married friends ended up married without telling the guy, “your window is closing; and when it’s closed I’m gone.” Why does it take a friendly ultimatum to get you to do what you know you want to/ought to/need to do anyway? This is all I’m asking.

A. Can't say for this one. My wife never did that 'window closing' thing with me, though she afforded an engagement ring for me before I could afford one for her!

4) Why is it, when you fall for a girl who dislikes your female friends, that you don’t see the massive, waving red flag? Corollary: why are you so afraid to admit you have female friends to your girlfriend? If they are just friends like you say they are, what’s the big deal? This is all I’m asking.

A. Because men like that are freaking morons. Corollary: because we're afraid the girl we like will act like every popular portrayal of women in the modern media and freak out on us when we just want to get her to like us.

5) Why is it “obsessive” to remember people’s birthdays and anniversaries and to send them greeting cards? This is all I’m asking.

A. It's not obessesive. It's just a woman thing. Guys can't keep that much trivia in their heads...unless it involves Monty Python, the Princess Bride, or (in several truly sad cases) sports trivia.

6) Why the belief that you can overuse the phrase “I love you” with your female partner? Why the total lack of knowledge that you simply cannot tell a woman too many times that she is beautiful and she rocks your world? Especially when she is naked. This is all I’m asking.

A. No clue here either. I use it a lot. Actually, I'm afraid I use it too much. I'm afraid she'll think I'm just saying it to say it and not that I mean it. I *do* mean it, but that's another story.

7) Why the insistence on the drinking of OJ out of the carton?

A. More convenient. I hate to admit it, but I do the same thing with milk.

8) Why—why—why the attraction to Angelina Jolie? Why?

A. I think you answered it up with your first couple of questions. The answer, of course, is: boobies.

9) Why the encyclopedic knowledge of sports with the concomitant cluelessness on important dates such as “our 6 month anniversary,” “the 6 month anniversary of the first time we were ‘together’,” “the 7th anniversary of our 6th week together since Arbor Day?”

A. No clue on the sports thing, sorry. I'm not a sports guy. But if you'd like some Monty Python quoted...ahem, nevermind. Anyway, all those little dates? Well...ummm...hard to say again, because I tend to remember those, too. Sorry!

10) Why the insistence on “dutch ovens”?

A. Okay, that's just nasty!

Dhan said...

1) u r generalising here. n some guys i am sure stare at pam a's ones out of shock/surprise n not pleasure

2) its the physiological n psychological diff between men n women. men have to live with a very active member.

3) men love independence and find the tradeoff tough.

4) aah plz women r really too jealous.

5) its not obsessive. its just not so very imp.

6) n.a.

7)

8) oh plzzz. she's too good! sexy lips actually. also sexy attitude.

9) wot is a 6th month anniversary?!

10) yucks!

Gauss said...

Hey Haggis,

Big fan...love your website. I'm usually the silent observer/reader, but I love talking sexual politics so here it goes:

1) If they aren't real, I couldn't care less. Drop a guy who does.

2) Lots of women do not see the bigger picture as well, as the ones who go to male strip joints are seeing thier sons "on the pole". Some people just like to see other people naked...human nature.

3) I can only tell you why I don't say so publically because I find Love to be personal. Some guys don't like to shout it out on the tallest mountain that he loves a woman...and I don't think that should be a requirement.

4) I agree with the other comments. Some girls get very jealous of you having any other females in your life that are not them. I usually keeped it to myself until I knew what kind of girl I was dating first.

5) Don't know...I have the same problem.

6) Ummm..got me there. I have no such belief. Someones feeding you crap on that one me thinks.

7) Cause its faster than getting a glass and I was really thirsty.

8) Its her eyes..for me anyway. She is also very confident sexually. Just like, generally, women like men with confidence, men like women who are sexually confident...at least I do.

9) All men are sports nuts like all women are gold differs. Nuff said.

10) oh my...

Anonymous said...

1. Most of the time you dont know if they're fake, and I am not really sure it matters when you do. And no, I dont know why for that either, honestly.

2. I have two responses, firstly, I do find myself recognizing the larger picture as you put it with younger girls, especially those who look like how I could invision

my daughter growing to look like. However, I do not usually deal with this because I do not like those sorts of clubs. "Why not youre a man you are just lying to make yourself look good" is I know a response that occurs to many of you, but thats not it and I canprove it. THe reason I dont is proof- I am confident enough to believe that I have a decent shot at hooking up so to speak at a club that is set up for that, but know very few people who have ever hooked at a strip club. So I do not go strip clubs, but its because, in a paradoxical way, I think it actually decreases any chance of getting laid that night.
Second, in reference to women seeing that larger picture, how is it that so many women see nothing wrong with making these broad character assessments about men in general and your superiority to them?

3. I do not know, that was never a problem for me.

4. As I have gotten older, I have made fewer female friends after being married. However, when I met my wife, two of the female friends I had liked her fine.

5. I never forget birthdays or real anniversaries (annuals)fo rmy wife or our kids'birthdays, but especially for male friends, its regarded as weird and a little feminine to pay attention to a friends birthday.

6. Its easier to say I love you to my kids than my wife. We fight often enough that it feels a little fake to say it out of the clear blue; also I do not hear it particularly often either, and I do not remember the last time she told me I was handsome, or whatever. I suppose thats one of those double standard things. WOmen should hear it, but we shouldnt need to.

7. Yuck. I am with you on this one, I always use a glass or cup.

8. She has the coolest lips in Hollywood, I think.

9. WHen you are married eleven years, come back and tell me if you still keep track of 6 month or our first time things, okay? We were married JUne 24.
10. um, I do not cook., and being outdoors does not grant me magically any cooking ability. I heat. If making it hotter, after mixinvg it makes it food, I am fine. If not, forget it.