Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Real Time Line Item Veto of the SOU Speech

Let's take it line by line, shall we?

To make our economy stronger and more dynamic, we must prepare a rising generation to fill the jobs of the 21st century.

--Um, those jobs would be waitressing and valet parking, Mr. President. I think we've got the preparation for those down pat.

And we will make it easier for Americans to afford a college education, by increasing the size of Pell Grants.

--Yeah. To below the rate of inflation. Thank you very little.

I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy.

--Because we sure as hell don't want to have to go into Saudi Arabia like we did in Iraq to preserve access to oil, the basis of our economy.

And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this Nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all.

--My tax code will be very simple: If you are a corporation that is one of my Pioneers, don't sweat this whole "tax" thing. If you make $250,000 or above, keep it all. If you make $25,000 or less, you are either lazy or stupid and should bear the burden of tax payments.

Fixing Social Security permanently will require an open, candid review of the options. Some have suggested limiting benefits for wealthy retirees. Former Congressman Tim Penny has raised the possibility of indexing benefits to prices rather than wages. During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated. All these ideas are on the table.

--"On the table," yes. "Being looked at credibly by my administration?" No.

The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts. We will make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds. We will make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees. We will make sure there are good options to protect your investments from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement.

--Yeah. Just like we protected you from my biggest donors: Enron, Global Crossing, Worldcom, boy, he he, I could go on and on!

Personal retirement accounts should be familiar to federal employees, because you already have something similar, called the Thrift Savings Plan, which lets workers deposit a portion of their paychecks into any of five different broadly based investment funds. It is time to extend the same security, and choice, and ownership to young Americans.

--Actually, I'm overstating that. The Thrift Savings Plan is just a 401K by another name.

So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith, and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children.

--I myself am not doing such a great job. But you all out there ought to be doing it.

Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America.

--Unless, as I've just mentioned, you are gay and in love with your lifetime partner.

Soon I will send to Congress a proposal to fund special training for defense counsel in capital cases, because people on trial for their lives must have competent lawyers by their side.

--Ya hear me, African-Americans? Yeah! I'm talkin' to ya!
{Camera pans to members of the Congressional Black Caucus. Seriously.}

In the three and a half years since September 11th, 2001...

--What? You thought I'd get through this speech without mentioning September 11th?

The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.

--But if you think you're going to escape our form of crappy pop culture, you are in for a rude awakening.

The goal of two democratic states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace is within reach - and America will help them achieve that goal.

--Or we will bomb you back to the Bronze Age.

That country [Iraq] is a vital front in the war on terror, which is why the terrorists have chosen to make a stand there.

--I have no evidence to support the "vital front" claim, but doesn't it sound GREAT?! In fact, based on what I said one paragraph ago, wouldn't Syria or Lebanon be more "vital fronts"?

As those forces become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly be in a supporting role.

--And not a moment too soon, because our forces are teetering on the brink of exhaustion after our Mandatory Stop Loss policy.

The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable - yet we know where it leads: It leads to freedom.

--I have no idea what that means, but I thought it was important to invoke both Providence and Freedom. 'Cause that's what I do.

Thank you, and may God bless America.

--Especially those red states.


eric strauss said...

George Bush:

is every decent human's worst political nightmare.

mr strauss
pop goes lethal

Anonymous said...

Tell me again why Jon Stewart has not hired you for on-air commentary? I bow to your verbal prowess, my lady. We are not worthy.


Vigilante said...