Thursday, February 09, 2006

For My Fellow Americans Who Think Brits Are Polite

From my Uncle Bill, the Man With the Plan on Two Continents:

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with
words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their
complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools

such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable
modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my
modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on
my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred
to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to
an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive
me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from
my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they
have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at
the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of

1 comment:

kate said...