Monday, January 10, 2005

What's Out in 2005: SS Haggis Gets Snarky

Since any site worth its salt has a year-end/year-beginning What's Out list, the Haggis realized it was imperative to get on the bandwagon or wind up on a "What's Out" list itself. So here goes. Please chime in on this one because it takes a village to decide who is a loser.

Here are some of mine so far:


Jennifer Garner.
Where is her agent? She is *this* close to being dangerously overexposed, what with rotating boyfriends, Alias' inscrutable plot lines, Elektra and Bennifer II. The whole "she's a down-to-earth country girl who made good" thing is just sooo 2003. Let’s be honest: she dumped her husband for her costar and then dumped that costar for Ben Affleck. I’m thinking the “good girl” tag is a bit dated. And the cheeseball, “Ima gonnakickyourass” promos are not even Velveeta quality. Bring back Jessica Alba, circa Dark Angel Season 1.

The Bachelor.
CLEARLY these men have no ability to identify a life partner. For most of us women, this is indeed reality, so why do we need to watch a grown man ONE MORE TIME pick the 22 year-old "paralegal" with huge boobs instead of the 33 year old woman who won't do it with him on TV and therefore is seen as "not sharing herself" with him enough for him to decide to pick her? I used to think it was a function of the pretty-boy/brainless men they were selecting as the eponymous main character, but now it just seems to be a sad confirmation of the criteria men (of a certain age) in general use to pick women. Because nothing says, "Marriage for eternity" like a 33 year old professional man from New York and a 22 year old huge-boobed student from Alabama with no ambition beyond “being with {the bachelor}.” The whole concept of guys ditching the cool, smart woman for the dumb pretty one is too depressingly realistic for me and my single girlfriends to watch anymore. We are now convinced that the primary demographic of The Bachelor viewership is men between 23 and 40 who just want to see what chicks will do to screw each other over on TV. Maybe they'll wrestle each other. Naked. Or have a pillow fight. Naked. And maybe, just maybe, chicks might fight like this over me....

Paris Hilton.
Okay, this is more like my fervent hope rather than a true fact. Can someone make her go away? Anyone? I have a bunch of Hilton Honors points from my frequent travel days that I can’t bring myself to use because somehow it feels like I will be supporting her next misadventure in “cinema verite,” for lack of a better term. I simply can’t give the Hiltons any more of my money until Paris just goes away and we can go back to the days when filmed fellatio was a career-ending activity rather than a way to launch your new line of handbags.

Bill O’Reilly.
One word: Loofah. This man is the male journo equivalent of Paris Hilton. He embodies the term “cojones” for continuing to work and rail against various and sundry individuals, when he needs to be home apologizing on his knees to his wife, putting a porn blocker on his computer, and erasing his speed dial. He is a man in need of serious therapy, and how he still has any credibility is beyond me. Truth be told, I mostly want him to go away for the crime of making me think about him having sex with anyone.


Vigilante said...

Hey, I had something hot on Garner the other day. Now, I've lost it.

I suggest you consider an "Open Thread"? Where we can bring stuff before we lose it?

Vigilante said...

Where's my daily fix from S.S. Haggis?

E said...

A post regarding Who is In for 2005:

Matt Leinart of USC.