Yesterday's WSJ front page:
"Republican Midterm Outlook is Poor"
Yesterday's WSJ page A6:
"Republicans Reignite Hot-Button Issues; Senate Votes on Gay Marriage, Estate Tax Are Aimed at Rallying Conservative Base"
Surely the conservative base can't be so stupid as to fall for this again...Or do I give them too much credit?
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Is 666 three numbers or just one?
WTF, people?!!
It's just one little day out of a gazillion over human history. And it's a date that's part of only the western calendar. Entire cultures may use western dates because we do, but they don't necessarily mark life cycles by them. So why the high drama over tomorrow's date? Who's to say that Satan cares about the date on the Gregorian calendar? If you really believe in Satan, wouldn't you think he'd be evil and sneaky enough to NOT pick the exact date we're expecting?! You know, "When you least expect it; expect it." Surely Satan is better at his job than calling in advance to tell us he's coming. Why not pick Sasthi Badhrapada 6000 on the Hindu calendar, 94 years from now?! Or some such date on the Chinese calendar 1,297 years from now? And what about the truly insane concept that perhaps humans are not privy to how these things occur, if indeed they do occur? And, furthermore, aren't religious people supposed to eschew superstition?! A very pregnant woman on the local news--I kid you not--just said, "I'm a committed Christian, which is why having my baby on 666 would just not feel right." Lady, if you are a committed Christian, then no number, no date, no nothin' is going to be a match for all that faith you've been toting around. It's time to pull it out and use it, if you really actually do have it like you say you do.
Maybe it's because I have no concept of a creature that lives in hell to torture us for eternity. I just don't get it. Have your damn baby tomorrow. Ask your girlfriend to marry you tomorrow. Buy a lottery ticket tomorrow. Call your mama and tell her you love her tomorrow. Be a better man tomorrow, or, as my dad grew up being told by his teachers: "Tell the truth and shame the devil." Whatever you do, make it a day of note for all the RIGHT reasons.
Dutch Evangelicals calls for pray-in against the Devil
A Netherlands-based Evangelical organisation has called on Christians in 21 countries to hold a 24-hour prayer vigil against Satanic forces to mark so-called Devil's Day.
Some fear the date 06/06/06, which falls on Tuesday, signifies 666, the Biblical number of the Devil, and will usher in calamities and even the end of the world.
The Dutch-based organisation Ambassadors Ministries called its 24-hour prayer vigil from 6:00 pm (1600 GMT) Monday, saying it hoped some 2,000 Dutch Christians, mainly Protestants, would take part. "We believe that the plans the enemy has for this date (June 6, 2006) will be destroyed through violent worship and praise. We are inviting the entire world to be part of this huge unity project," it says on its website www.ambasmin.org.
"The forces of evil are using this day," Mathijs Piet of the organisation told AFP. "Through our action we want to stop them from achieving their goal." The figure 666 is named the "number of the beast" in the closing chapter of the Bible, the "Book of Revelations", otherwise known as "The Apocalypse of John".
It's just one little day out of a gazillion over human history. And it's a date that's part of only the western calendar. Entire cultures may use western dates because we do, but they don't necessarily mark life cycles by them. So why the high drama over tomorrow's date? Who's to say that Satan cares about the date on the Gregorian calendar? If you really believe in Satan, wouldn't you think he'd be evil and sneaky enough to NOT pick the exact date we're expecting?! You know, "When you least expect it; expect it." Surely Satan is better at his job than calling in advance to tell us he's coming. Why not pick Sasthi Badhrapada 6000 on the Hindu calendar, 94 years from now?! Or some such date on the Chinese calendar 1,297 years from now? And what about the truly insane concept that perhaps humans are not privy to how these things occur, if indeed they do occur? And, furthermore, aren't religious people supposed to eschew superstition?! A very pregnant woman on the local news--I kid you not--just said, "I'm a committed Christian, which is why having my baby on 666 would just not feel right." Lady, if you are a committed Christian, then no number, no date, no nothin' is going to be a match for all that faith you've been toting around. It's time to pull it out and use it, if you really actually do have it like you say you do.
Maybe it's because I have no concept of a creature that lives in hell to torture us for eternity. I just don't get it. Have your damn baby tomorrow. Ask your girlfriend to marry you tomorrow. Buy a lottery ticket tomorrow. Call your mama and tell her you love her tomorrow. Be a better man tomorrow, or, as my dad grew up being told by his teachers: "Tell the truth and shame the devil." Whatever you do, make it a day of note for all the RIGHT reasons.
Dutch Evangelicals calls for pray-in against the Devil
A Netherlands-based Evangelical organisation has called on Christians in 21 countries to hold a 24-hour prayer vigil against Satanic forces to mark so-called Devil's Day.
Some fear the date 06/06/06, which falls on Tuesday, signifies 666, the Biblical number of the Devil, and will usher in calamities and even the end of the world.
The Dutch-based organisation Ambassadors Ministries called its 24-hour prayer vigil from 6:00 pm (1600 GMT) Monday, saying it hoped some 2,000 Dutch Christians, mainly Protestants, would take part. "We believe that the plans the enemy has for this date (June 6, 2006) will be destroyed through violent worship and praise. We are inviting the entire world to be part of this huge unity project," it says on its website www.ambasmin.org.
"The forces of evil are using this day," Mathijs Piet of the organisation told AFP. "Through our action we want to stop them from achieving their goal." The figure 666 is named the "number of the beast" in the closing chapter of the Bible, the "Book of Revelations", otherwise known as "The Apocalypse of John".
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A Pox on Both Their Houses
You may have noticed a marked decline in the number of political posts here at SSHaggis. The reason is quite simple: it's all too freakin' depressing. I'm a working person over here, with a nonstop dynamo of a toddler, a new business, and ALL KINDS of really important stuff to do, like peruse IDontLikeYouinThatWay.com or sit and gaze at the most-likely-gay-but-I-don't-care-cause-he's-dreamy-regardless Anderson Cooper or quite frankly, search endlessly up and down the dial for a Law And Order episode that I have not yet seen. These be busy times, yo. And I cannot have my premium awake hours filled with what my Dad called The Antics of a Dying Nation, courtesy of both the POTUS and his nemeses like Nancy Pelosi. They all piss me off in ways that I can't quite figure out how to constructively express without using the words "suck" or "totally" or "whatever, losers!" So because I don't want to get all "my space" adolescent on you, I am just taking a hiatus on the political stuff until I can think of ways to use The Queen's English rather than Valley-speak to articulate my precise horror, chagrin and borderline-hopelessness with the leaders of both parties...and by extension the people who elect and support them.
In the meantime, here are a couple of solutions I'm mulling:
Bring back Billy Clinton. Just not in the form of First Husband.
If the Republicans simply MUST keep the White House, let's bring back Abraham Lincoln.
Can we have have Kevin Kline come on by and re-enact his role in the movie Dave?
Can we all stop pretending that Pelosi and Reid have an f'ing clue how to lead a party that doesn't know how to be led?
Can we all stop pretending that certain high-level members of the GOP are not rotten to the core? And before you all screech, "but so are some Dems!" let me add that the GOP are the ones who were shrilly hectoring us with the nonstop message that they were going to "restore honor" to the White House and the Congress. Gee, how did that work out? It's one thing to be a pig and keep your mouth shut; it's quite another to disparage pigs, say that pigs are responsible for natural disasters, claim that you and your family are not and would not associate with pigs---and then turn out to be the piggiest pigs in the sty.
You see why I'm stopping? It ain't pretty inside the political wing of my brain right now, where my irritation is blocking my ability to write with anything better than a 4th-grade vocabulary. First comes a paragraph about 'pigs' and then comes one about 'poopyheads.' I'm stopping before that occurs.
You're welcome.
In the meantime, here are a couple of solutions I'm mulling:
Bring back Billy Clinton. Just not in the form of First Husband.
If the Republicans simply MUST keep the White House, let's bring back Abraham Lincoln.
Can we have have Kevin Kline come on by and re-enact his role in the movie Dave?
Can we all stop pretending that Pelosi and Reid have an f'ing clue how to lead a party that doesn't know how to be led?
Can we all stop pretending that certain high-level members of the GOP are not rotten to the core? And before you all screech, "but so are some Dems!" let me add that the GOP are the ones who were shrilly hectoring us with the nonstop message that they were going to "restore honor" to the White House and the Congress. Gee, how did that work out? It's one thing to be a pig and keep your mouth shut; it's quite another to disparage pigs, say that pigs are responsible for natural disasters, claim that you and your family are not and would not associate with pigs---and then turn out to be the piggiest pigs in the sty.
You see why I'm stopping? It ain't pretty inside the political wing of my brain right now, where my irritation is blocking my ability to write with anything better than a 4th-grade vocabulary. First comes a paragraph about 'pigs' and then comes one about 'poopyheads.' I'm stopping before that occurs.
You're welcome.
My Movie Reco: P*rn
Thanks to the gods of Netflix, I still have a post-toddler bedtime life. Gone are the days when parents said, "I haven't seen a new movie since I was 8-months pregnant...," because the good people at Netflix keep Chez Haggis mostly au courant when it comes to recent movies. They really are doing the lord's work over there.
So this weekend it was time for some yin and some yang: Wedding Crashers and Good Night and Good Luck. Kind of the salad and french fries of movie viewing. It's okay to watch Wedding Crashers for mind candy, because I'll also see GNAGL for somewhat mind nutrition. I've covered my bases.
As we teed up Wedding Crashers, the option appeared to watch either the "Theatrical" release or "The Directors Cut." Now, we all know (and especially the guys) that "Directors Cut" or "Extended Edition" can only mean one thing: MORE BOOBS! Yeah! It's a tease to make you rent the "Uncut" American Pie or the "Directors Cut" Latest-Scarlett-Johanssen movie, when you've already gone to the movies to see the "theatrical release." Great marketing technique, and I give them full props for coming up with it.
But here's the thing: in my limited experience with Director's Cuts, it seems that ALL you get is about 3 more minutes of boobies (which are obvious even to those of us who have not seen the movie already because of their out-of-placeness in the story), which can't possibly be worth the money and/or anticipation felt when putting the movie on your netflix cue. Especially when you think what you're going to get (I'm speaking about my guy friends) is Rachel McAdams or Natalie Portman boobies, and what you get is "Friend #3" boobies or, which you can get anywhere at anytime: Shannon Elizabeth boobies. Because certain actresses are NOT going to do full-frontal nudity, no matter how much the Directors Cut might tease you that they are. Trust me: Jessica Alba is NOT naked in Fantastic Four: The Director's Completely Unexpurgated Dirty Nasty Edition; Michael Chiklis might be, though. My point being, if you so need the extra boobies and bumpin', why not just rent p*rn?
I'll bet you'd get a lot more bang for your buck.
So this weekend it was time for some yin and some yang: Wedding Crashers and Good Night and Good Luck. Kind of the salad and french fries of movie viewing. It's okay to watch Wedding Crashers for mind candy, because I'll also see GNAGL for somewhat mind nutrition. I've covered my bases.
As we teed up Wedding Crashers, the option appeared to watch either the "Theatrical" release or "The Directors Cut." Now, we all know (and especially the guys) that "Directors Cut" or "Extended Edition" can only mean one thing: MORE BOOBS! Yeah! It's a tease to make you rent the "Uncut" American Pie or the "Directors Cut" Latest-Scarlett-Johanssen movie, when you've already gone to the movies to see the "theatrical release." Great marketing technique, and I give them full props for coming up with it.
But here's the thing: in my limited experience with Director's Cuts, it seems that ALL you get is about 3 more minutes of boobies (which are obvious even to those of us who have not seen the movie already because of their out-of-placeness in the story), which can't possibly be worth the money and/or anticipation felt when putting the movie on your netflix cue. Especially when you think what you're going to get (I'm speaking about my guy friends) is Rachel McAdams or Natalie Portman boobies, and what you get is "Friend #3" boobies or, which you can get anywhere at anytime: Shannon Elizabeth boobies. Because certain actresses are NOT going to do full-frontal nudity, no matter how much the Directors Cut might tease you that they are. Trust me: Jessica Alba is NOT naked in Fantastic Four: The Director's Completely Unexpurgated Dirty Nasty Edition; Michael Chiklis might be, though. My point being, if you so need the extra boobies and bumpin', why not just rent p*rn?
I'll bet you'd get a lot more bang for your buck.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Take My {Mexican}, Please!
I was watching Last Comic Standing the other night (kind of the American Idol for comedians). It's a pretty funny show, for good and for bad, and I'm not ashamed to say that I watch it and like it. Because they go to different cities around the country to pick the finalists, it gives a bit of a window into what is considered funny nationally and regionally. What became clear from watching the auditions are the following:
1. Comedians make fun of their own, be it Jewish, Black, Catholic, fat, short, for biggest laughs (because they allow "others" to laugh "with" them about those stereotypes)
2. Mexicans are the new Poles. (I know the joke word for Pole ends in "k" but I don't want to use it being that we're a family blog. Oh wait, no we're not. But whatever). It is apparently completely okay to make fun of Mexicans no matter what your own ethnicity.
3. There is no accounting for taste in humor. The two judges find things funny and "really great" that I think for sure is going to get the contestant berated and sent home for being the least funny individual since Henry Kissinger.
4. Weird-looking people making jokes about their inability to "get laid" is a booming subsector of the entire comedic economy. If such jokes were banned, you'd see thousands of comics go bankrupt overnight, thereby making them unemployed AND celibate, which, for my money, is HILARIOUS.
5. Prim-looking young women who tell unbelievably raunchy and offensive jokes are the new...um, er...old, pony-tailed men who tell unbelievably raunchy and offensive jokes? Or maybe they are the acolytes at the Sarah Silverman Altar of Humor?
Either way, I think I've found my next job.
1. Comedians make fun of their own, be it Jewish, Black, Catholic, fat, short, for biggest laughs (because they allow "others" to laugh "with" them about those stereotypes)
2. Mexicans are the new Poles. (I know the joke word for Pole ends in "k" but I don't want to use it being that we're a family blog. Oh wait, no we're not. But whatever). It is apparently completely okay to make fun of Mexicans no matter what your own ethnicity.
3. There is no accounting for taste in humor. The two judges find things funny and "really great" that I think for sure is going to get the contestant berated and sent home for being the least funny individual since Henry Kissinger.
4. Weird-looking people making jokes about their inability to "get laid" is a booming subsector of the entire comedic economy. If such jokes were banned, you'd see thousands of comics go bankrupt overnight, thereby making them unemployed AND celibate, which, for my money, is HILARIOUS.
5. Prim-looking young women who tell unbelievably raunchy and offensive jokes are the new...um, er...old, pony-tailed men who tell unbelievably raunchy and offensive jokes? Or maybe they are the acolytes at the Sarah Silverman Altar of Humor?
Either way, I think I've found my next job.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The TP Treatise
If there is a funnier, more astute or well-written piece on toilet paper, men and women, well, I have yet to read it. From our friends at DubiousQuality:
DQ TP War
DQ TP War
Banana Hammock Brought to You by Borat
They say that the key to comedy is fearlessness; the willingness to do, be and say what no one else will, all in pursuit of the kernel of humor in each act or word. Well, for your breakfast enjoyment, my friends, I give you Sasha Baron Cohen, perhaps the most fearless comic of this generation:
If you are familiar with Da Ali G Show on HBO you will recognize this photo as Cohen's character Borat, the crazy Kazakh, at his film's screening in Cannes. If you are not, you will simply have to go now and Clorox your eyes. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. And yet, so freakin funny I can't stop laughing.
Read more about the Borat movie here:
Just Jared
If you are familiar with Da Ali G Show on HBO you will recognize this photo as Cohen's character Borat, the crazy Kazakh, at his film's screening in Cannes. If you are not, you will simply have to go now and Clorox your eyes. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. And yet, so freakin funny I can't stop laughing.
Read more about the Borat movie here:
Just Jared
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