Wednesday, December 29, 2004

SSHaggis Truth Alerts! Just in Time for New Year's Eve

Okay, so I've been in an Andy Rooney mood for the past few days. I admit it. I've had lots of stuff to do, seemingly no time to do them, I've been under the gun at work, trying to get my house ready for upcoming events...and I've had a mad case of, how to say this delicately, "the aftereffects of perhaps some undercooked chicken at a lunchtime carryout requiring me to stay close to home near an appropriate facility at 30 minute intervals." Get the picture?

So I've been struggling. But with the coming of the greatest holiday in Scottish culture (Hogmanay, which is Scottish for New Years Eve), it was time for me to get off my pity pot and get in the game. I don't care where I am or who I'm with: Hogmanay must be celebrated with a hopeful heart. Which, obviously, precludes watching any program featuring Carson Daly--attempting to bury Dick Clark before he is dead--as the clock strikes midnight. More importantly, it also precludes me being in this misanthropic funk.

So--how does one get oneself out of a funk? Booze? Only if I'm drinking it with Dino, Sammy and Frank. Crack pipe? That seems like a sure fire way INTO a completely different kind of funk. Funny movies? Tried them; they didn't work.

There's only one thing left to do. Yep! Make fun of people. And where better to start than everyone's favorite Focker: Ms. Barbra Streisand.

I want to announce that I am taking a page out of Ms. Streisand's book. She is wise enough to provide, for the public's benefit, Truth Alerts regarding anything untrue written or said about her in the media. Here is the link so you can enjoy the view as much as I did: Barbra's Truth Alerts

Tell me. When was the last time you thought it necessary to pore over the tabloids and publish your retorts to their stories on your web site? Don't most people, like Tom Cruise, sue if it's a vicious lie and ignore it if it's a stupid lie? How into yourself do you have to be to monitor every last thing that the yellow press says about you? I mean, let's be honest: if it's in the Enquirer or on Fox News, no credible people really buy it anyway. So why feel compelled to rebut their nonsense on a specially-created page of your web site? Hmmm...could it be that we LIKE to see our name in print, even if it is connected to a lie?

So, to cheer myself up and to give myself some of the joy that having a Truth Alert page obviously gives Ms. Streisand, I am hereby launching the Star Spangled Haggis Truth Alerts. Should anyone in my local coffee shop or at the gym or in my office say anything that I consider to be untruthful or misstated, I will clear the air immediately for all of us in the blogosphere. That's right: within 7 days of an untrue statement being made, I will use my powers of rapid response to shove it back down their throats.

So let's get started, shall we?


LIE: Esther is not unwell and is in fact skipping work to prep for her New Years Eve party, as reported by Lloyd Grove in the NY Post's gossip section.

TRUTH: Esther is showing great kindness and mercy to her coworkers by averting anyone else needing to write a blog post about their office bathroom. She has been riding the porcelain bus and crossing her fingers that all will be well by Friday's party. Esther is a truly caring coworker and friend. As such, she has forgiven Lloyd Grove and has sent him a peace offering: some coupons to a local DC lunch carryout.

Sing it with me: "People...people who need people..."

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