Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Flies in the Ointment: Part Two in The Continuing Saga of my Office Bathroom

Today's entry in E's Office Bathroom Hijinks is brought to you by the good people at Analpram HC. Today's Bathroom Hijinks are also brought to you, not by Dreaded Stall #2 {see my October 27th post}, but by "handicapped accessible [if your wheelchair is the size of an airplane coach seat]" stall #3.

So. How would I know about Analpram HC? It occurred as my bathroom dramas always do: I had to pee for the second time that hour, so I walked in, took a seat, and what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a shiny long tube of something quite near. There, resting nicely on top of the TP holder, was a front-label-side-up tube of Analpram HC.

Now, I had no idea what Analpram HC actually does. But my rigorous linguistic training and laser-beam insight into medications containing the word “anal” caused me to infer that it was, well, bum cream. I still do not know what its specific purpose is because I was sure as hell not touching someone’s leftover bum cream in a public bathroom just to learn the contraindications! I’m intellectually curious, but not quite to the level of getting germy. I briefly considered being brave in service of my starspangledhaggis readers. But then I decided that if you were reading this, you were already on the internet, so googling “analpram” would take you no time at all, you could then tell me, and I wouldn’t have to soak my hand in bleach for the duration of the day. I also knew that there was no way that I was going to do a google search for “analpram” from a work computer. I was just going to have to wait.

Now, you might think that the story ends there: E tells another scatological story, analpram ha ha ha, can’t wait for next time. Nope. It gets better. The next time I go to the bathroom, the tube is turned over! Now I can read the other side! Finally! The suspense has been killing me! But…..WHO TURNED IT OVER?!! Who is that person whose curiosity so got the better of her that she actually touched someone else’s bum cream to find out?! I could feel myself getting more excited by the second that I worked with someone so out on the freakin’ edge that she would just go for it like that. Wow! What a woman! I’ll bet it’s the same woman who finally flushed the toilet in my last post! I MUST learn her identity and nominate her for Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Fun Fearless Female award…after, of course, soaking her hands in bleach for the duration of the day. I could also feel myself getting childish, regressing to that element of my personality that is always just under the surface, where farts are the funniest of G-d’s creations because they are the great leveler of mankind. I was starting to say in my head in that singsongy kid way: Someone touched the bum cream! Someone touched the bum cream!

And just as I thought I had reached nirvana, I read one line on the tube that absolutely put me over the edge into full-on laughter:

“Analpram HC is not for ophthalmologic use.”

PS--Here comes the science: Analpram HC® offers relief of inflammation and pruritus (itching) associated with conditions such as hemorrhoids and anal fissures. It is the only hydrocortisone acetate cream available with the advantage of pramoxine HCl. The pramoxine HCl provides temporary relief of pain and pruritus while the hydrocortisone treats the inflammation and pruritus.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You seem pretty sexy to me.