The Britney Sex Tape: Who Gives a Rat's A**?

Okay, can I say something about the whole situation with Britney and Kevin? As if I really care, but you know, when someone mentions "sex" "tape" and "$50 million" to not load it onto the internet, you click on that link just to see what's what. Don't you? Right? You? Or how about you? You don't? Well, it's a good thing you've got me here to do it for you, then, isn't it?!

Here's the recap: Britney's soon-to-be ex and all-the-time moron is allegedly holding a four-hour long sex tape over her head, in an attempt to extort more money out of their impending divorce settlement. Everyone is atwitter at whether this will ruin Britney's career, impact her ability to get custody of her kids, etc etc.

I know I don't represent middle america, but may I offer a few thoughts:
1. Two MARRIED people have the right to do any damn thing they please in the bedroom. Or kitchen. Or garage. If they want to film it, have at it. Why a wife doing the nasty, the tasty or the hasty with her HUSBAND should somehow make her look like a slut, I simply do not know. We spend so much time clucking over pre-marital sex that we should all collectively just say, "well good for them" if they are actually married while doing it (or doing it while married!), on camera or not.

2. I'm interested to meet the judge who would give custody of babies to a man who would publicly humiliate the mother of those babies for money, as if being raucously sexual as a wife is worse than being certifiably morally unredeemable as a husband and human.

3. Britney ought to call his bluff, because Kevin must either know he is packing heat in this video, or he is going to find himself called a small man for very different reasons than a tanking rap CD and an unrelenting penchant for looking and sounding like trash.

And finally:
4. Can we issue a moratorium on people filming their sex acts, regardless of how much I've just said it's okay? Why are you filming it, darlings? If you want to re-experience it, here's a revolutionary idea: just do it again! That's one of the bennies of having that lovely person on the other side of the bed, isn't it? You don't have to fire up the TV to get some action, you just have to do some dishes, help with the kids a little, remember to say something about how pretty she looks, then remember NOT to say, "I'll be right up after SportsCenter."

Divorce Me Baby, One More Time

Fantastic post exhorting those who support the Defense of Marriage Act to act quickly to prevent the dissolution of Britney Spears' marriage. You know, to preserve the sanctity of marriage. To ensure Britney's kids have a mother and a father.
jonswift

Rescue Me From Denis Leary's Ass

I am loving watching Rescue Me via netflix. It's a show, on FX I believe, about an NYC fire house and all the crazy characters therein.

This show rocks. I watch The Shield for the unbelievably gripping storylines. I watch Rescue Me for the unbelievably funny and smart dialogue. Every single show has at least three totally on-point, funny, insightful lines that you wish you had said at some point in your life.

My only complaint about the show? That, despite the presence of 3 completely hot young strapping FDNY men, ALL of the sex scenes involve Denis Leary. I mean, I don't begrudge the producer, co-creator and co-writer of this show his moment in the sun as far as bangin' the ladies goes, but do I need to watch it? I swear to god, three times tonight I was like, "Oh dear god, make the bad man stop!" as the camera focused lengthily (har har) on Denis Leary's fluorescent white ass and legs. Now, I am second to no one in the fluorescent whiteness sweepstakes, but I don't go around filming it in full-on, on-the-case, gettin'-it-on 2.5 minute sequences when Eva Longoria is also available on the show, do I? Hell no.

So. I say this to Denis Leary: Your show is awesome. You are funny, even though I always thought you weren't and I really couldn't stand you back in high school when all of my meathead boyfriends loved your Angry Irish Masshole shtick. But you are indeed funny on this show, and it is well-written.

So how about not pulling a Dennis Franz every freakin' week, huh? How about you just go home and count your money and not make me watch your butt. Please? No offense, Denis, but seeing you naked is a wicked pissah.