Proudly Presenting My A**

Do you know that classic anxiety dream you sometimes have where you walk into a room or get on the school bus, you look down, and you're not wearing pants? I lived that dream yesterday. If you define "not wearing pants" as "unknowingly wearing pants with a huge rip in the butt that clearly displayed not only copious a** cheek but thong as well." Seriously. Full-on butt viewage. An entire a** cheek with small quantity of thong.

Worst part? Didn't notice till 9pm when I was taking the pants off to put on my jammies. (Yeah, I put on my jammies at 9pm; what's it to ya?! No point watching Hell's Kitchen in full outerwear, is there?) So I then had the task of mentally retracing my steps to figure out a)what could have caused such a massive rip in the pants (not at the seam, mind you; just a big ol' tear like I sat on a nail or something), and b) how long had my a** cheek been going public?

When I mentioned it to the BD, he asked, "Well, did you get any really superlative service at any stores today? Were people honking horns at you as you walked down the sidewalk? That'll tell you pretty precisely when you were dealin' the crack."

Unfortunately, I received no such service, perhaps because people were thinking not, "oh yeah! a woman's naked butt!" but rather, "oh dear god, someone wash that seat! A naked butt cheek has been on it!" The BD assures me that if men were involved, the former rather than the latter would have been the reaction. Which leads me to hope that I ripped it in the privacy and comfort of my own home around 8pm. Otherwise, I'd have to assume it was like that all day, and it would be such a shame that I can't go back to that auto shop where the mechanics were so friendly.

Moral of the story: if it's 90 degrees and you're feeling quite comfortable actually, check that your a** cheeks are actually in your pants. You can thank me later.