Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

HBOstore


I was watching an episode of Entourage** on DVD the other night, wherein the main character is a new Hollywood star played by Adrian Grenier, whose agent is Ari Gold, played unbelievably skeevily and yet smoothly by Jeremy Piven. Grenier's character Vince is talking with his buddies from back East about old girlfriends when he says, "I have never broken up with a girl." They challenge him on the statement but then determine that he is right; he has never broken up with a girl. He either just never calls her back or he just starts sleeping with someone else so that Girl #1 has to break up with him. I was joking with a couple of girlfriends about it when we realized simultaneously that we all have dated that guy!

I'm not sure what your take on old relationships is, but mine has always been one of "no regrets." You learn something from every relationship, whether good or bad, and it makes you who you are today. And if you happen to like who you are today, as I do, then you don't wish anything in your past away. True dat. But there is always that one relationship, isn't there? (Don't lie. You are already getting clammy thinking about him/her). That one where you look back and think, "Oh dear god, who WAS that girl dating that guy? What was she THINKING??!!! Did I have a shred of self respect AT ALL???!!" As my friends and I had this same conversation, we concluded that the only relationships we look back on with any kind of embarrassment are the ones in which we dated The Guy Who Wouldn't Break Up With Us. I mean, how embarrassing is that? We dated men who secretly wanted to not be with us but didn't know how to say it! Sah-weet!

It's apparently a whole valid school of thought among men in our cohort: don't "hurt" the girl by telling her it's over. Just sleep with someone else, engineer a way for her to "find out," and she'll get the message. That way you've done the humane thing and avoided an emotional scene. Only problem is, my friends and I all made the mistake of thinking that the "I'm Sorry" after the fact also included the subheading, "And It Won't Happen Again Because I Love You and Never Want to Hurt You." Cue 2 subsequent breakups, by which I mean "him sleeping with 2 other women," and you have yourself the hat trick of heartache with only yourself to blame, suckah!

Sah-weet. In his jokingly inflammatory way, my father would have found this to be the perfect moment to say, "And THAT is why it is a waste of money to educate women: $100,000 of college and she'd still sleep with a man who just yesterday was poking his pecker elsewhere..."

He keeds! He keeds! But he's right that we gotta smarten up. I mean, I'm a grown woman finding relationship insights from Season One of a potty-mouthed TV show. And it's not that I'm happy doing it, it's just that I'd rather avoid the drama of telling Netflix that I no longer want to receive additional episodes, and the episodes are funny and cool and all, but am I in love with them? Probably not, but god, how do you say that to the writers and actors, huh, without looking like a jerk? I guess I'll just keep on receiving the DVDs but I'll secretly watch The Shield in between deliveries. If I'm caught I'll just say, "Let's hug it out, b*tch!"

**Entourage is everything viewers have come to expect from an HBO series: smart, hilarious, and highly addictive, especially when taken in full-season, DVD form. As implied in the title, the show follows Vincent Chase, a rising Hollywood star with bedroom eyes and an over-active libido, along with his three childhood companions-turned-hangers-on. Kevin Dillon plays Johnny Drama, Vincent's less-attractive, B-list actor of a brother (he is Matt Dillon's less-attractive, B-list actor of a brother in real life). Jerry Ferrara plays Turtle, the weasel, and Kevin Connolly appears as Eric, the Everyman hero who hopes to parlay his friendship with Vincent (plus two years of community college) into a career in talent management. Along the way Eric contends with the predictable self-doubt, romantic indecision, etc. The cast is rounded out by Jeremy Piven...as a foul-mouthed agent reminiscent of Jay Mohr's short-lived Peter Dragon character. Finally, it's produced by Marky Mark himself--and you've got to believe that guy knows something about the star-entourage relationship... --Leah Weathersby