Tiny Kid, Big Questions, Tough Answers

This is a completely non-political post. The other day Bambina and I were in the car talking about the day her new baby cousin was born. She first asked "what does 'being born' mean?" I answered that it was the day the baby comes out of the mother's tummy and enters the world; that it's your birthday. Then. "Will Baby Cousin stay with Aunt and Uncle forever?"

Oh God, here it comes. "Yes, my love, he will. When a baby is born, some different things might happen. Most times, the baby stays with the birthmother and father forever. Other times the baby goes to live in an orphanage or foster home. Other times, the baby is adopted by a family who becomes the baby's forever mommy and daddy, forever."

"Why?" Okay, how to make this make sense for a 4 year-old? "Well, sometimes when a baby is born the mother and father might not be able to take care of the baby for lots of grown-up reasons that have nothing to do with the baby herself. And so, in China for instance, the mother will put the baby in a very busy place to be found right away, and that is how a person in China would make sure that her baby is adopted and loved and taken care of by a forever family." Oh god, I'm sucking at this!

And then it happened. The question I've been dreading, preparing for, anticipating since 2005:

"Mama, why did my Chinese mother not stay with me forever? Did she want to stay with me forever?"

That sound you heard was my heart breaking inside me, looking at her sweet little face asking such a huge, adult question.

We've talked before about the rules in China about one child, and just in general about how having a baby in your tummy doesn't mean always that the mommy is able to be a forever mommy. But I still tried to come at it like we were starting from zero. In effect, I went into prepared speech mode (don't lie, don't appear taken aback by the question, keep it age-appropriate) and did okay, I think, but damn if I didn't cry my eyes out later that night:

"Well, Sweet Girl, I don't know. But I bet she did wish she could stay with you forever. I bet she and your Chinese father thought and thought about what to do, and I bet it was super hard for them to say goodbye to you. In China, the only way for babies to be adopted is for the parents to put them in a busy, busy place to be found, and that is what your Chinese mother did for you. You were found right away, and that is how Mama and Dada ended up getting the call from China saying that we could be your forever Mama and Dada."

I was expecting a follow-up question, but not this one: "Where did she put me?" I answered her, and she seemed okay with it. As I frantically searched my mind for other prepared speeches, her next question turned the tide: "Can you turn the music back on please?"

With that, my daughter told me she'd learned enough for one 4 year-old day, once again demonstrating that she's the one guiding ME through all of this. I know that we will converse about this again in different ways as she grows, but I find myself working it into conversations more and more now as I see her mental gears turning, figuring out that her story is a little different than her friends' stories, and trying to make sense as a child of what is a very adult situation.

In any case, whether you are an adoptive family or not (maybe especially if you are not), you can help Bambina and other kids who were adopted by talking to your kids about adoption as simply another way families happen. Feel free to NOT put words like "abandoned" and "gave up" into your child's adoption lexicon, opting for terms like "placed for adoption" or "made a plan" to have the baby adopted instead. Because seeing my sweet Bambina's face asking if her Chinese mother wanted to stay with her forever--and imagining what any mother would feel as she said goodbye to her brand new infant daughter--I simply do not believe that "abandonment" played any role in it. My daughter was placed where she would be found quickly. It's that simple, and I suppose, it's precisely that complicated.

Clockwatching Pollwatching

For those of you pollwatching, here is a helpful guide from swingstate.com:


Feel free to call my cell and chat about the returns--you know I'll be doing nothing else.

Palin: Our First African-American VP

If you need one more reason to know that Sarah Palin is a disaster, see this video over at Ben Smith's blog, where she tells the only African-American at her rally that she understands prejudice because "we live it," Todd being Alaskan and all...

http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/1108/We_live_it.html?showall

Bringing Democracy to America

This commentary by Rachel Maddow on the sometimes 8-hour lines to vote is a must-see, especially if you don't really believe that 8-hour lines to vote exist. This footage reminds me of that first vote in Iraq--bombed-out, post-dictatorship Iraq--where people waited--8 HOURS or more--to vote. We clearly need to bring democracy to America if we can't do better than a war-torn country's first election ever:

Polisex

When I was in high school and would complain about the dirty-minded boys in my class, my mom would always say, "Those who talk about it the most are usually doing it the least."

Ditto that for politics; at least for me. Beyond the obvious reasons of regime-change and an Olympic-speed sprint away from the disaster that is our current neocon-ocracy, I've been so engaged in this election, I think, because it's the first presidential race since 1992 that has not seen me in the middle of it all, attending the conventions, hanging out with people who do it for a living, and--tonight--attending big parties attended by People You Have Heard Of. Tonight I will be on my couch with the BBDD and Anderson Cooper (nothing wrong with that combo!), and it will be lovely. But it ain't the same as hangin' with Carville or Gergen while wearing something other than jeans, now is it?

Yes indeed, friends, I am what you might call "politically frustrated" after a whole campaign in which I could neither canvass, make calls, attend the convention or even vote in person; and I fear that this blog reflects said frustration. I check online political sites like they were p*rn, devouring every piece of polling data I can while the BBDD is asleep, hoping he never looks in the cache file to find the true extent of my sorry obsession...Oh yes, it's a problem. Made larger by the fact that it will all be over tonight (Dear God, let it be over tonight!), and I'll have to find some other outlet for my frustrated political energy.

Perhaps I will obsess over the details of the transition (if Barry wins) or alternatively obsess over the all-too-real Palin-as-VP nightmare, never mind the John McCain as president nightmare... In any case, I'm sure I'll inflict it all on you, right here.

Now, GO VOTE!!!

Shabballoween

Yes, we are really good Jews. Instead of going to temple for Shabbat, we went trick-or-treating on a pagan holiday! Yeah baby! Happy Shabballoween to you, too, Tribe Members!

Bambina "Tinkerbell" (and we) had an awesome time. First, we went out with our neighbors who also have little kids. This meant that we started out at 5:15, a ludicrously early time for anyone with kids over the age of 6, but parfait for those of us with une petite fille who is punch drunk with fatigue--and therefore borderline uncontrollable--by 6:30. Not cranky, mind you. I literally (well, figuratively) mean drunk, like silly and loopy.

We went from our neighborhood to Gram and Pop's neighborhood for additional trick or treating. Gram--Oscar winning costume designer that she is--did in fact create Bambina's wished-for oven, microwave and window costumes. Bambina could not have been more delighted. How cool are YOUR grandparents, huh? Some day Bambina will tell her friends, "My Pop loved me so much he dressed up as a double oven--and in his own neighborhood even!"

This year was so much fun because Bambina really now gets it: You dress up as something that makes you feel wonderful. Then you knock on doors and people give you tons of candy. In the dictionary, that is the definition of "fun," if I'm not mistaken. She also really actually enjoys hanging out with the boys across the street. She was just running around like a crazy person with these boys from house to house, and only wanted me to come to the door with her when we reached that obligatory house in the neighborhood where that guy goes balls-out for Halloween. You know, giant spiders, weird sounds, those animatronic witch/corpse bride thingies that activate when you walk by. I know she's scared when she says very loudly and unprompted, "That skeleton not scary to me." Riiight.

So here are some pics, with the usual no-face Bambina. I do this for a reason I may or may not have mentioned previously. But since it's Halloween and you need a little grown-up scare, let me tell you why. I routinely google Bambina and her friends just to make sure they have not popped up on anything public. I have done this ever since (long-time readers may remember) acquaintances from our China trip posted photos of our family on their public website, with our full names and Bambina's adoption information. Their boundaries are obviously far lower than ours, so they perplexedly removed it when I asked them to, not understanding why we wouldn't want to share our joy with the world. So I did my usual googling (post-drama with this family) and found our friend's daughter on a random website dedicated to people with her name. What the people of this site had done was literally lift this little girl's photo from that family's public site and then re-post it on their own--with her full name attached. Now I don't know about you, but the thought of random people taking my daughter's photo and putting it on some website for anyone to see--and I mean anyone, be they a pedophile or what--just makes my blood run cold. So it's not that I don't want YOU to see Bambina. It's just that once I put her photo up here I lose control over what anyone else does with it, and that freaks me out in ways I can't even bring myself to contemplate. So until she's, let's say in college, you will not see her face on this blog. No offense. :)

Strategy of the Day!

Here is a new feature of SSHaggis for your enjoyment until November 4th: