Yes, you.
Not me, of course. I'm splendid just the way I am.
What I'm speaking of is the need for YOU to make resolutions to improve how you deal with ME.
Some suggestions? But of course!
1. If you are elected or appointed to the legislative, judicial or executive branches of the U.S. government, you really ought to do the following:
--Abstain from sending smutty messages to pimply-faced teens (I mean, using your real initials...)
--Show up at a former president's funeral proceedings. Yes, ALL of them. Unless, of course, you've got some brush to clear in Texas...
--Don't make jokes unless you've got Seinfeld or Drew Carey on the payroll. Ray Romano, or worse, the dude who played his brother, will NOT suffice.
2. If you are in a position to be quoted by major news outlets, Don't Drink and Declaim, Beverage and Bloviate, or otherwise engage in In Vino Vilification of those you consider to be less human than you. (My apologies, therefore, for my 2005 rant against the aggressive squirrels at Bambina's park. Although in my defense, those f&*^%rs start all the rabies outbreaks in the world and it just needed to be said, Sugartits).
3. How about washing your hands after going to the bathroom? Every time. With Soap. Even if you only do Number One. It's one of the easiest ways to make the world a safer place, and I didn't even make you sit through a 90-minute powerpoint with pictures of melting polar ice caps to make my point. You owe me.
4. {With full credit to Jess [perhaps/not her real name? for the backstory]}, If you are going to go out without underwear for the purposes of having your vagina photographed, PLEASE PLEASE make sure said vagina is camera-ready. She once walked in on her 80 year-old grandmother and saw something no grandchild should see/no grandparent wants her grandchild to see. When she saw the photos of Britney Spears', um, fandango, her immediate thought was, "oh dear god! It looks 80 years old!" Not that there's anything wrong with your fandango looking just the way it does right now, in whatever condition it may be. We simply ask that you have an honest conversation with your hand mirror from that class you took in 1976, a close friend who won't stop returning your calls when you ask him/her to assess your parts, or your best friend Paris. Because as mortifying as it should be to finally and at long last have removed any shred of mystery, which used to be the lingua franca of the celebrity business, it's more mortifying to have someone look at a photo of your hoo-ha and ask, "Grandma?"
There. I think we're gonna have a good year.
Monday, January 01, 2007
The Bill of Wrongs
Click for Slate's Ten Most Outrageous Civil Liberties Violations of 2006. Kinda scary to see the litany in one essay.
God Bless America.
Slate's Dahlia Lithwick
"Jeb Bush quiet about long-term plans." Let's hope he stays that way.
From FT.com:
I don't know about you, but I think I'm so over both the theory and fact of a member of the Bush family being in the White House. He can't possibly imagine that he'll be remotely electable in 2008. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that it's more likely there will be another Clinton in the White House than another Bush...and you know how I feel about the Democratic Party's act of self-immolation in even entertaining that prospect.
Or am I missing the big DRAFT JEB bandwagon?
When Jeb Bush was asked recently how he planned to spend his first day after stepping down as governor of Florida, he reeled off a checklist of things he wanted to do: “I hope to wake up. Work out. Maybe read the local paper. Sports page probably. Hang out with my wife.”
About his longer-term plans, Mr Bush was more reticent. “I’m going to try to take some time off to reflect on what I should be doing and not rush into the next thing,” he said. But Mr Bush’s efforts to duck questions about his future seem unlikely to quash feverish speculation about what that “next thing” might be...While his brother limps towards the end of his troubled presidency, the younger Mr Bush is leaving office on a high. A recent poll showed his approval rating at 63 per cent...Mr Bush has already rejected opportunities to jump straight into another big job, including Republican pressure for him to run for the Senate and an offer to become commissioner of the National Football League.
Friends say his first priority is to make money, having seen his wealth shrink from $2.4m to $1.4m during his eight years on the governor’s $130,000-a-year salary, according to public disclosures. Few people, however, believe Mr Bush has permanently finished with politics. Although he has ruled out running for president in 2008, some analysts believe he could yet be persuaded to join the Republican ticket as nominee for vice-president."
I don't know about you, but I think I'm so over both the theory and fact of a member of the Bush family being in the White House. He can't possibly imagine that he'll be remotely electable in 2008. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that it's more likely there will be another Clinton in the White House than another Bush...and you know how I feel about the Democratic Party's act of self-immolation in even entertaining that prospect.
Or am I missing the big DRAFT JEB bandwagon?
Faves of 2006
1. My doctors, nurses and researchers; hot or not.
2. My family and friends for riding out some seriously bumpy trips with me and staying sweet and kooky in the process.
3. Ewan McGregor. Just for being on the Earth. And looking so damn good in a kilt. Representin' for the Scots.
4. John Kerry. Just kidding!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Happy Hogmanay, Dad!
We miss you. Never more so than when the clock strikes midnight. This year you can have that Glenlivet you were denied in 2005. Enjoy, wee man!
{These photos are of my dad at a party where he was sneaking himself into photos being taken of other people. Not one for those stupid bunny ears people do in pictures, my Dad felt it more appropriate to add a Wee Fat Scotsman}.
For those of you currently googling the word "Hogmanay," here's a little background:
Nobody knows for sure where the word "Hogmanay" came from. Opinions differ as to whether it originated from the Gaelic oge maidne ("New Morning"), Anglo-Saxon Haleg Monath ("Holy Month"), or Norman French word hoguinané, which was derived from the Old French anguillanneuf ("gift at New Year"). It's also been suggested that it came from the French au gui mener ("lead to the mistletoe") or a Flemish combo hoog ("high" or "great"), min ("love" or "affection") and dag ("day"). Take your pick.
Hogmanay's roots reach back to the anamistic practice of sun and fire worship in the deep mid-Winter. This evolved into the ancient Saturnalia, a great Roman Winter festival, where people celebrated completely free of restraint and inhibition. The Vikings celebrated Yule, which became the twelve days of christmas, or the "Daft Days" as they became known in Scotland. The Winter festival went underground with the Reformation and ensuing years, but re-emerged at the end of the 17th Century. Since then the customs have continued to evolve to the modern day.
What is the symbolism of fire at Hogmanay?
The flame and fire at Hogmanay symbolises many things. The bringing of the light of knowledge from one year to the next, lighting the way into the next uncharted century, putting behind you the darkness past, but carrying forward its sacred flame of hope and enlightenment to a better parish, and in this day, a new fresh year,burning away of the old to make space for the new.
What is First Footing?
Traditionally, it has been held that your new year will be a prosperous one if, at the strike of midnight, a "tall, dark stranger" appears at your door with a lump of coal for the fire, or a cake or coin. In exchange, you offered him food, wine or a wee dram of whisky, or the traditional Het Pint, which is a combination of ale, nutmeg and whisky. It's been sugggested that the fear associated with blond strangers arose from the memory of blond-haired Vikings raping and pillaging Scotland circa 4th to 12th centuries. What's more likely to happen these days is that groups of friends or family get together and do a tour of each others' houses. Each year, a household takes it in turn to provide a meal for the group. In many parts of Scotland gifts or "Hogmanays" are exchanged after the turn of midnight.
For more info, take yourself to http://www.hogmanay.net/
In all the traditions and customs surrounding Hogmanay, one theme is of primary importance: the new year must begin on a happy note, with a clean break from all that may have been bad in the previous year.
With that in mind, The Haggis wishes for all of us a happy, healthy and peaceful new year. Slainte! Cheers! L'Chaim! Skal! Wen Lie! Prosit! Za vashe zdorovye!
{These photos are of my dad at a party where he was sneaking himself into photos being taken of other people. Not one for those stupid bunny ears people do in pictures, my Dad felt it more appropriate to add a Wee Fat Scotsman}.
For those of you currently googling the word "Hogmanay," here's a little background:
Nobody knows for sure where the word "Hogmanay" came from. Opinions differ as to whether it originated from the Gaelic oge maidne ("New Morning"), Anglo-Saxon Haleg Monath ("Holy Month"), or Norman French word hoguinané, which was derived from the Old French anguillanneuf ("gift at New Year"). It's also been suggested that it came from the French au gui mener ("lead to the mistletoe") or a Flemish combo hoog ("high" or "great"), min ("love" or "affection") and dag ("day"). Take your pick.
Hogmanay's roots reach back to the anamistic practice of sun and fire worship in the deep mid-Winter. This evolved into the ancient Saturnalia, a great Roman Winter festival, where people celebrated completely free of restraint and inhibition. The Vikings celebrated Yule, which became the twelve days of christmas, or the "Daft Days" as they became known in Scotland. The Winter festival went underground with the Reformation and ensuing years, but re-emerged at the end of the 17th Century. Since then the customs have continued to evolve to the modern day.
What is the symbolism of fire at Hogmanay?
The flame and fire at Hogmanay symbolises many things. The bringing of the light of knowledge from one year to the next, lighting the way into the next uncharted century, putting behind you the darkness past, but carrying forward its sacred flame of hope and enlightenment to a better parish, and in this day, a new fresh year,burning away of the old to make space for the new.
What is First Footing?
Traditionally, it has been held that your new year will be a prosperous one if, at the strike of midnight, a "tall, dark stranger" appears at your door with a lump of coal for the fire, or a cake or coin. In exchange, you offered him food, wine or a wee dram of whisky, or the traditional Het Pint, which is a combination of ale, nutmeg and whisky. It's been sugggested that the fear associated with blond strangers arose from the memory of blond-haired Vikings raping and pillaging Scotland circa 4th to 12th centuries. What's more likely to happen these days is that groups of friends or family get together and do a tour of each others' houses. Each year, a household takes it in turn to provide a meal for the group. In many parts of Scotland gifts or "Hogmanays" are exchanged after the turn of midnight.
For more info, take yourself to http://www.hogmanay.net/
In all the traditions and customs surrounding Hogmanay, one theme is of primary importance: the new year must begin on a happy note, with a clean break from all that may have been bad in the previous year.
With that in mind, The Haggis wishes for all of us a happy, healthy and peaceful new year. Slainte! Cheers! L'Chaim! Skal! Wen Lie! Prosit! Za vashe zdorovye!
Friday, December 29, 2006
Apparently, We're All Full of Sh**
Something else I saw on TV while in my febrile, insomniac state was an infomercial for a product called Dual Action Cleanse. It purports to help you clean all of the caked-on, built-up fecal matter that currently clogs your large intestine. I couldn't figure out if it was a joke or if I was really so very out of it, that I was hallucinating a very creepy guy named "Klee Irwin" with a John Waters/child molester mustache talking about how big his kid's poops were and how he wishes his could be so robust.
For your pleasure, here are two links. One to a hilarious review of the infomercial, the other to a site debunking the product's claims which include instant weight loss, cured skin rashes, and all manner of issues.
TV Heaven
InfomercialWatch
Edwards is in!
Awesome!!
I watched his announcement from New Orleans (in a repeat on C-Span), and I was struck by a few things:
--He’s smart for announcing early, before the New Year’s “announcement rush.”
--The setting and his wardrobe were key elements of his message: a back yard in New Orleans wearing jeans and a shirt, surrounded by kids. He’s the candidate of the people, concerned with poverty, youth development and at ease with himself.
--The press kept trying to get him to say he’d raise taxes. They asked him questions about Katrina response at the federal level, troop levels in Iraq, raising the minimum wage; all of them ended up with some variant of “are you advocating raising taxes for blah blah blah?”
--They kept coming back to his relatively modest background in foreign policy as a potential commander in chief. His answer was fabulous: over the past six years we’ve had potentially the most experienced foreign policy team create policy and then conduct this war in a manner that is a disaster by any measure.
--I loved his emphasis on “being patriotic about something besides a war” and on getting people active in service to the country, even before the next election.
--The kids standing behind him looked really bored.
I watched his announcement from New Orleans (in a repeat on C-Span), and I was struck by a few things:
--He’s smart for announcing early, before the New Year’s “announcement rush.”
--The setting and his wardrobe were key elements of his message: a back yard in New Orleans wearing jeans and a shirt, surrounded by kids. He’s the candidate of the people, concerned with poverty, youth development and at ease with himself.
--The press kept trying to get him to say he’d raise taxes. They asked him questions about Katrina response at the federal level, troop levels in Iraq, raising the minimum wage; all of them ended up with some variant of “are you advocating raising taxes for blah blah blah?”
--They kept coming back to his relatively modest background in foreign policy as a potential commander in chief. His answer was fabulous: over the past six years we’ve had potentially the most experienced foreign policy team create policy and then conduct this war in a manner that is a disaster by any measure.
--I loved his emphasis on “being patriotic about something besides a war” and on getting people active in service to the country, even before the next election.
--The kids standing behind him looked really bored.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)