American Idol: Watching So You Don't Have To

It's Tuesday night and you know what that means: American Idol recap.

What a crap night. In further proof that I am not a music agent, the judges love everything I hate and vice versa.

Michael Johns did his version of Dream On by Aerosmith. Unfortunately, he was literally doing it like Aerosmith, which (see Syesha and Carly below) you can't do. He needed to take out the rock guitar part (that famous guitar lick "da na nananananananananannanaanaaaa" going into the falsetto "dream on dream on" and throw in some bass instead, lose the falsetto and make it slow and low and sexy as all hell). Sadly, no. It was Aerosmith karaoke instead.

Syesha did a Fantasia song. Once again, Syesha. Quit picking the Blockbuster Blowout Lungs of Divadom songs and just sing one damn song in your OWN voice! You're killing me over here because you're actually good! But very few people are Whitney/Fantasia good. Stop the madness and pick Melissa effing Manchester for a change, my friend. Believe me, the judges will love it. And the kids these days will flip for "You Should Hear How She Talks About You, the extended dance remix."

Jason Castro. Oh my hell. He did the Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version of Over the Rainbow that every single person thinks that he or she personally discovered, either as a result of watching Mr. Holland's Opus or no doubt some episode of The OC. The Israel song is divinely inspired and beyond beautiful and has so much meaning for me. Jason Castro's version was the John Mayer/Marilyn Monroe Mix. And the ladies loved it because who doesn't like a guy who dresses like one of the Jets from West Side Story while blurring the line between exhaling and singing? I kept waiting for him to either erupt into full-on Tiny Tim stuff with his ukulele or to go the entire other way and start singing, "Hap-pppy Birth-daaaaay, Mister Pwwesidentttt..." And, as you guessed, the judges loved it.

David Cook. Not his best night. He picked a song by Our Lady Peace. Never heard of them? That's because they were in that crop of late-90's bands that all sounded the same: Marcy Playground, Seven Mary Three, The Verve Pipe, Matchbox 20. Totally indistinguishable. Just like his song tonight. Too bad, because he's looking better every week and is clearly a huge talent.

Kristy Lee Cook did some song by Martina McBride. I'm biased, so you know I can't stand anything she does. All I'll say is that it was more vanilla pudding--with extra country gravy.

Carly "Hillary Clinton" Smithson is either lying about her age or her memory of Live Aid. She did "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, citing her viewing of it "as a very young girl." Like, were you two, Carly? (She says she's 24, and LiveAid was in 1985). I think so, because you so DID NOT see Freddy Mercury perform that song anywhere at anytime and then bring this sh*t tonight and call it an homage. Sacrilege! Freddy is in the Whitney and Fantasia and Aretha bracket, so you don't show up and bring...this...and tell me you're remembering Freddy Mercury. Apropos of nothing, all I could think while watching her shriek the hell out of the song was John Leguizamo imitating his Colombian father telling someone off: "Desgraciado! Desgraciado!" Desgraciado indeed.

Next up was wee David Archuleta on piano doing the song Angels, by the absolutely irredeemable Robbie Williams. Again, the judges loved it. He did it well, even though the song has no hook. And has the added baggage of being associated with Mr. Williams whom I deplore as a first-rate pr*ck in the strongest possible terms.

And then Brooke closes the show doing Carole King. Well, OF COURSE Brooke is doing Carole King! And next week Carole Bayer Sager and the week after that, Joni Mitchell. The halls of every university are littered with chicks like Brooke, guitar in hand, trying to bring back the days of the female troubadour. As much as I like female singer songwriters, I just can't deal with the over-earnestness Brooke brings to the proceedings. If you're not familiar with Brooke, let me put it this way: she said that "You've Got a Friend" is a song that she sang at a talent show with two of her friends, and that it "makes people happy." Not when you sing it slow-tempo and with tears in your own eyes... Y'all. Send this chick back to the student center from whence she came.

But other than all that, I LOVED it. Argh.