Cancellation is Not an Option

I'm just going to attach my online chat transcript with EFax, in my attempt to cancel my company's online fax service, since clearly I'm not going to be doing too much consulting in the near term!

Why does everything have to turn into what my Dad called "a g*ddamn ordeal?" Just cancel my service and in the future I'll use you again for my fax needs. But now? I don't think so.

Welcome to chat.
The session has been accepted.
{Luke D.} Hello, X. Welcome to j2 Global online support. I am Luke, your Online Live Support Representative. How may I assist you today?
{Me} Hi. I need to close my account. How do I do that?
{Luke D.} I'm sorry to hear that you wish to cancel. May I please have your fax number and PIN associated with your account?
{Me} Sure. It's abc. Pin xyz.
{Luke D.} Thank you for providing your information. Please give me a moment while I go through your records. In the meantime, please type the number corresponding to your reason for cancellation:

1) Moving to another provider
2) Bought a Fax machine
3) Business or role changed
4) Short term project completed
5) Financial reasons
6) Problems with Faxing or Billing
7) Dissatisfied with Quality of service
8) Too Costly
{Me} Number 3. We're closing our business.
{Luke D.} It is always good to have an alternative faxing.
{Luke D.} We value your business and our relationship. Hence, if you wish we can waive off the monthly fee for the next 2 billing cycles. This way you will be able to keep your local fax number, which will enable you to send and receive any pending faxes with your number and make sure you do not miss any important faxes.
{Luke D.} During this credit period, you will not be charged any monthly fees.
{Me} Oh, no thanks. I won't need a fax anymore at all.
{Luke D.} X, since you have already paid for the month I suggest you to retain this number at least till the end of two months credit offer as you will not be charged any monthly fee for the two months. If you find that you need our services during this period, then you will still have the account. If however, you still feel that you do not have any use for our services by the end of the two months credit period you can always feel free to contact us back as per your convenience, we are at your service round the clock.
{Luke D.} As a good will gesture to continue our association I will offer you an additional gift balance of $10.00 which will enable to send up to 100 additional fax pages free of cost.
{Me} I honestly really do not need it anymore. thanks anyway.
{Luke D.} You just need to contact us only once before the offer ends and confirm whether you need the account or not. Since we are available here 24 x 7, you will not have any problems in contacting us.
{Me} Luke, I'm about to be hospitalized for a lengthy period of time and I really don't want to have to remember to contact anyone in two months time. I'd just like to close the account now.
Thanks.

Account closed, right? WRONG!

{Luke D.} As a special consideration, I will set our system so that your account will be automatically cancelled at the end of the two months credit period .
{Luke D.} However, if during this period, you decide to continue with your account, please send us an email or contact us via chat and we will take care of it.

So my account is still not cancelled. I'm not being billed, but it's still out there. Till June. Like, what part of "business closing" and "lengthy hospitalization" tells you I want more faxes till June?!! And how he's doing me a favor with "special consideration"? I love it! How about you just give me the regular consideration, ie, receiving and acting upon my request to cancel my service?

Pretty hilarious for me to write about, pretty atrocious as a customer service strategy.