Get Me a Book Deal

I have decided that I should write a book for the simple reason that everybody else has.

During one of my hospital days I had the dispeptic displeasure of watching the Dr. Phil show. I was riveted on the breathtaking arrogance of that day's show for one reason: it was entirely devoted to his wife's new book "Inside My Heart."

And his wife is WHO exactly? Oh right: Mrs. Dr. Phil.
Her book description is thus:
"You've seen her on television with her husband, Dr. Phil. But now it's time for a heart-to-heart conversation with Robin McGraw. In Inside My Heart, Robin speaks woman to woman, inspiring you to embrace and celebrate the many roles you play and encouraging you to make deliberate choices that lead to a richer, happier, and more meaningful life. She shares with you the life-changing moments of her childhood years, dating and marrying Dr. Phil McGraw, raising two sons, and asserting herself as a woman in a man's world to show you that you have the power to make choices in your life. In fact, she's convinced that you must choose to go after the life you want."

Well, Mrs. Dr. Phil, the life I want--and that I choose to go after--is writing a book about myself based on my stature as nobody in particular. Just like you. I just don't have a show where (I kid you not) my husband has three women in the green room "who have NO IDEA! that they're going to meet their idol, Robin, today on this program!" Dude, they can meet Robin McGraw at every single one of your programs. She sits in the front row of every d*mn show! That's the only reason anyone knows what this woman looks like, much less what "life-changing moments" she experienced in her childhood.

Puh-leeze.

To add insult to injurious insult, I then did my usual online gossip search, only to find out that Lance Bass is writing a book. That's right: Lance freakin Bass. Former boyband member, aborted space flight passenger, and recently out-of-the-closet C-list celebrity. His justification? People were asking him questions about himself. "Experience is everything with 'N Sync, all my experience with space travel and Russia and the whole coming out thing. I have a lot to say, so I decided to go ahead and start writing it down." So let me get this straight: you are a minor, hasbeenish celebrity who comes out of the closet. Access Hollywood asks you questions about yourself. You determine, based on those questions, that people must be interested in your unique perspective on life. Therefore, you write a book.

Friends, we should ALL write books. You in particular, yeah you. The one reading this. Based on your experience in life, reading this blog, clicking to other blogs, offering comments--you must have a really unique view of life that I bet Simon & Schuster would invest some serious ducats in ensuring reaches the teeming masses.

Who's in? I am.

I'll call it: SSHaggis: My Contribution to Cultural Mediocrity.

My follow-up effort will be titled, "Bambina's Bon Mots: Everything My Kid Taught Me About Extending My Mediocre Brand." And don't miss the companion series: "Recipes in 30 Mediocre Minutes," "Tuesdays With Mediocrity," and a very special Principles of Mediocrity Workbook to track your contributions to our country's progress into cultural oblivion.