Dis-Gustatory TV

I love the Food Network. I almost think that, if it weren't for The Food Network, I might cure cancer for the simple reason that when nothing else is on, I go there. I burn otherwise free time that could be used for truth, justice and the American Way at TFN, getting cranky about their slackdaddy production values.

It not only burns my time in annoyance, however, it has also stunted my creativity and wit. I say the same things over and over again:

When I turn it on and one of Emeril's 87 shows is on: "OMG! I had no idea Emeril had a TV show!"

When a promo for Rachel Ray comes on: "OMG! I can't even look at her and her Joker mouth! And the fake perkiness! Puh-leeze!"

When Giada DiLaurentiis comes on: "What's with the women on this channel and their Joker mouths?! And their annoying shows?"

When Iron Chef America is on: "WHO is that judge?! The star of Lifetime TV's Strong Medicine? Whaaaah?! What does she know about food?!"

But, by far, the worst feature of TFN is their habit of showing people eating food at close range. I can't get used to it, and I don't understand it. It's like watching someone brush their teeth or clip their toenails; it just grosses me out. Maybe it's the extreme closeups? Or the faux-ness of the bite/wide eyes/OMG This Is So Delicious facial swoon? I don't know, but I just don't know why they have to zoom in on Jewel (Iron Chef judge--of course) eating a shrimp as if she's three inches from my face, and seeing her in culinary ecstasy over Bobby Flay, who strikes me as someone who wouldn't know real ecstasy if it bit him in the...never mind.

Whatever. I'm cranky. Mostly because I just had to watch has-been Jewel (who is so damn lucky to be on a show at all) eat food up-close and then whine that it was a bit tasteless and bland.

I clearly need to switch to "The Ocho."