Deep Throat: Okay, I'll bite.

The Haggis generally hates to cover anything that is already being covered in the general bandwagon media. But in this case, simply because it is so huge, I'll bite.

Wow.

Mark Felt = Deep Throat.

Whodathunkit?!

And already Karl "Sauron" Rove's orcs and wraiths are out in force to discredit the 90-something year old man.

Pat Buchanan just called Felt "a snitch." Reeeaaaallllyy?

But Linda Tripp wasn't? Monica Lewinsky wasn't? George Stephanopoulous' opportunistic book wasn't?

What is the definition of a Snitch, Patrick? Someone who catches YOUR side doing something wrong and then blabs about it? Gimme a break, Pat. The very fact that you are debating the Watergate scandal on the side of Dick Nixon demonstrates clearly the political relic that you are. NO ONE argues for Dick Nixon on this one, Pat. Enough time has passed that we can all say, "Gee, Mr. President, that was wrong."

At the very least, can't we all agree that perhaps if Mr. Nixon had engaged in some "dirty tricks" with a 70's-era Monica Lewinsky rather than with Liddy, Haldemann, et.al, we'd all be better off, not the least of which because Deep Throat would still mean only two things: a) an old movie shown in sketchy theaters, and b) something not to be attempted on the first date.

Most Assuredly Chinese

Today marks the (count 'em) fifth time some lovely, well-meaning person has said to me about my daughter, "Are you sure she's Chinese? She doesn't really look Chinese."

Deep breath. Suppress all urges to answer grumpily. Assume role of educator:

"What do you think 'Chinese' looks like? Northern Chinese people are as pale as me. Western Chinese people look quite Russian. People with Southern Chinese ancestry look like my daughter. Guess why. 'Cause she's from Southern China."

Grrrrr....

Imagine how stupid that would sound if a Chinese person adopted a baby from America and was told that her baby "doesn't look American." What in the hell does "American" look like?!

Let's review:

CHINA
Third largest country in the world by landmass, after Canada and Russia.

Borders include Russia, Kazakhstan, Pakistan, India, Nepal, Bhutan, Laos, Burma (Myanmar), Vietnam, Korea, Mongolia.

1.4 billion people. Fifty-five ethnic minorities in addition to the majority Han. They are Mongolian, Hui, Tibetan, Uygur, Miao, Yi, Zhuang, Bouyei, Korean, Manchu, Dong, Yao, Bai, Tujia, Hani, Kazak, Dai, Li, Lisu, Va, She, Gaoshan, Lahu, Shui, Dongxiang, Naxi, Jingpo, Kirgiz, Tu, Daur, Mulam, Qiang, Blang, Salar, Maonan, Gelo, Xibe, Achang, Pumi, Tajik, Nu, Ozbek, Russian, Ewenki, Benglong, Bonan, Yugur, Jing, Tatar, Drung, Oroqen, Hezhen, Moinba, Lhoba and Gelo.

Let me break it down this way:

One fifteenth of the planet Earth's landmass is China.
One fifth of the planet Earth's population is Chinese.
It shares borders with no fewer than TEN other countries.

So considering that the US borders only TWO countries and (according to the US census) has a measly 295 million people, 75% of whom are Caucasian, wouldn't it be more likely that Americans would all look alike than Chinese? To put it another way, do you really think that it's statistically possible for 1.4 billion people to look just like what you picture in your mind when you hear the word "Chinese?" Might there be some room for variation in skin color, hair color and texture, and any other physical feature you can imagine?

So--regardless--and to answer the question once and for all--YES, I'm sure she's Chinese.

Why?

Because that's where I flew to get her.

Paula Zahn NOT

Does anyone else watch Paula Zahn Now? Does anyone else watch it, like me, because it is so godawful that it must be seen to be believed?

The CNN write-up gushes, "Paula Zahn NOW offers a chance to hear from people who matter, talking about the most pressing, most relevant and most essential topics of the day. Every night Paula tackles politics, justice, entertainment, business or health, with a line-up of contributors who are among the smartest and most intriguing people in their fields. On "Paula Zahn NOW", the most challenging questions will not only be asked -- they'll be answered."

Reeeeeaallly.

Here is a transcript of a recent show I watched, and I have to say that it seems far less chaotic and thrown-together when it is written rather than viewed:

"ZAHN: Joe Johns, we're going break off here for a moment and come back to you in just a moment.

Senator Lieberman is now talking to reporters or -- who is it now? Senator Warner. I don't see the picture yet. So bear with us. This is breaking news. We'll go to whichever Republican is talking now. They keep on trading the microphone here.

And now, of course, with my luck, no one is talking."

But here is my favorite segment of the program, the Person of the Day bit. Apparently, CNN's assessment of "a line-up of contributors who are among the smartest and most intriguing people in their fields" includes anyone with A) access to the internet, and B) the time/inclination/boredom to vote for a theoretical "person of the day." The best part of The Person Of The Day bit is not simply that it is not journalistic or at all meaningful (does TPOTD win a free IPod? A trip to Puerta Vallarta with Bob Barker? A year's supply of Rice-a-Roni: The San Francisco Treat?), but that it offers the following asinine ballot:

"And time for all of you to pick the "Person of the Day." Your choices are Sergeant Mike Hall, the Florida police officer who found an eight-year-old girl buried alive inside a dumpster at a landfill.

The 14 senators who averted a nuclear meltdown in the Senate by negotiating a solution to the filibuster impasse.

Or Afghan President Hamid Karzai for coming to Washington to try to forge closer ties with the U.S.."

Gee, I don't know. The guy who saved an 8 year old child---a leader looking for more loans and aid---or 14 arrogant, pompous, badly-coiffed senators? I just simply can't decide. What a bold decision by CNN to offer such challenging choices. I sure hope Paula has a crack lineup of "smartest people in their fields" to help me pick! Because the stakes have never been higher, the need to let my voice be heard never greater, the ramifications of my vote never more far-reaching...

Ah. Hell with it. I'm changing the channel to Maury. Same level of intelligence without the pretense that it's journalism...

DC's Personal Protection Act

The esteemed and august Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison has introduced The District of Columbia Personal Protection Act in the U.S. Senate. The legislation aims to reverse the city's 28-year handgun ban and repeals D.C.'s gun registration law.

Gee, thanks, Senator Hutchison. Not that YOU live here year-round or anything! Not that YOU will ever have to ride the metro or a bus or walk home from a train station in a city where it will be LEGAL to carry handguns, assault rifles and assault pistols. Anyone over the age of 18 will be legally entitled to openly carry AK-47S, UZIs, AR-15s AND TEC-9s on the streets of DC. Thank you so much for restoring this "right" to the "law abiding" citizens of DC you continually trumpet. And congratulations on the big props you received from the NRA. Quote: "The National Rifle Association (NRA) commends Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison for her leadership on this issue, as well as the other co-sponsors of this important legislation," Chris W. Cox, NRA chief lobbyist, stated.

How nice for YOU that you want my child to have the "freedom" to live among assault weapons. Where do YOUR kids go to school, Senator Hutchison? When do YOUR kids walk home alone from public transportation? Any chance you yourself will be walking home alone or might suffer a home invasion by thugs armed with LEGAL military weapons? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Recognizing that your loyalty to the NRA will always trump your remotest inclination to give a d*mn about any citizen of the District of Columbia, I guess I do have the solace of knowing that you are a Republican: the party of homeland security. Because nothing says "homeland security" more than creating an assault weapons legal zone in the seat of American power. I'm so glad you are keeping America safe from its geopolitical core.

Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids

Just when I am feeling all motherly and maternal and adult and serious and possessive of tremendous gravitas, I do something that reminds me I am really a ten year old masquerading as a grown up.

To wit, yesterday I went to Target to do some bulk shopping for the bambina. Diapers, wipes, Cheerios, etc. The usual. I also picked up a package of those "variety pack" cereals that I used to dream about as a kid but that my mom always refused to buy because they were "a terrible waste of money" (say that with a Miss Jean Brodie Scottish accent, and you will get the full picture).

I bought the package because of---stay with me here--the psycho urban squirrels at the kiddie park near my house. No, really. Hitchcock should have made a movie about these squirrels. They climb on the stroller looking for food, they come within 8 inches of the bambina and when I jump toward them to "scare" them, they give me the little squirrel middle finger and walk even closer to her. Which makes me pick her up, put her back in the stroller, once I have denuded it of psycho squirrels, that is, and then run for our collective lives back to the safety of the DC streets. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I feel safer out of the park because I can jam a house key into the trachea of a mugger with my eyes closed, but I can't seem to make a squirrel back off my kid. And of course I'm thinking she's going to get rabies or fleas or whatever, not to mention that there is just something so appalling about having vermin climbing all over your Maclaren where your child sits. Bleeeaaah.

So. I bought the variety pack because the cheerios come in little plastic bags which are in the little cardboard boxes and which have some chance of not being smelled and opened by squirrels, unlike my little sad-act foldie sandwich bags. See? I bought the variety pack NOT because I was acting out some "do over" of perceived neglect from my childhood but because I was concerned for the safety, hygiene and welfare of my precious daughter. Of course.

It will come as no surprise to you then that the variety pack also included cocoa puffs, trix and lucky charms. NONE of which were purchased for Chez Haggis, being "terrible wastes of money," of course. And because my mother considered marshmallows and/or chocolate to be one hundred percent incompatible with "breakfast," regardless of their shape, color or "whole wheat" delivery system. We were Scottish, of course, so, humorously, a similar opinion was not held regarding fried meat, melted cheese, fried bread, and ketchup on our french toast (try it. It rocks). But that is a whole different post...

So what did I do yesterday? I set my daughter up with her Cheerios and her Cheerios book (it's one of those product placement things that actually is helpful, where it has little holes for her to put cheerios as "wheels on the car" or "the mouse's eyeglasses" or "tic tac toe." You get the picture). I then proceeded to draw the curtains, turn off the phone ringer, and tear open the Trix cereal box like it had been airlifted into my refugee camp. Not kidding. Tore that thing open and proceeded to down every last delicious, amazing, fruity, tasty, sugary, decadent, awesome crack-high-providing Trick (?) until the box was empty. Vaporized. Like, not even cereal dust left in the bag. Licked clean.

Dang. Trix are AWESOME!!! But, as the slogan says, they are indeed for kids, and so that was my first and last box. And although they are "for kids," you'd better believe that my kid won't be eating them. As delicious as they may be, and as much as I'm sure she'd love them, they won't be purchased again. Why?

Because they are quite simply a terrible waste of money.

Blame it on Schuyler Colfax

The Filibuster.

With thanks to the Barnhart Dictionary of Etymology:

In the middle of the nineteenth century bands of adventurers organized in the United States were in Central America and the West Indies, stirring up revolutions.
Such an adventurer came to be known in English as a filibuster, from the Spanish filibustero. The word had originated in Dutch, as vrijbuiter. Its travels on the way from Dutch to Spanish are uncertain, but it is likely that the Spanish borrowed the word from the French, flibustier, fribustier, who apparently got it from the English freebooter. Early in the nineteenth century, John Randolph, a senator from Virginia, got into the habit of making long and irrelevant speeches on the floor of the Senate. The Senate got so fed up with such tactics that it voted to give the presiding officer explicit power to deal with such problems. In 1872, however, Vice President Schuyler Colfax struck a blow against the expeditious handling of Senate business with his ruling that “under the practice of the Senate the presiding officer could not restrain a Senator in remarks which the Senator considers pertinent to the pending issue.”

Good old VP Colfax! Unfortunately, the filibuster is getting a bad rap these days, with Bill "I Swear I'm Presidential" Frist championing the effort to fundamentally alter the practice. My short summation of Senator Frist? He, with all due respect, is a complete ass.

Doesn't he get it?! The GOP will be in the minority again (or perhaps he doesn't believe that?), and the GOP will need the filibuster. Is he really so fat headed and drunk with power that he can't possibly envision a day when his party will no longer be in the majority and will be grateful for the filibuster's protection of the minority? Throughout this whole debate I've vacillated between wanting to march alone outside his office with a picket sign accusing him of a brazen power grab (What does the Haggis want? Common sense! When does she want it?! NOW!), and saying "Feh! Have at it, Fristie. When we beat your party next time around, you can cry yourself to sleep on your huge pillow about your self-inflicted impotence."

Now, I just think the entire debate demonstrates The Hill's complete lack of sense, real interest in ordinary Americans, and fidelity to their oaths of office. It's a farce. And it would be funny if it weren't Chapter Three in a book called "The Antics of a Dying Democracy."

Heaven help us. Or perhaps I should call on the divine powers of Senator Frist?

Heard 'dat!

I just came across the most hilarious quote today, and I quite like it:

"Learning and sex until rigor mortis."
--Activist Maggie Kuhn's motto

(Although I suppose the latter should stop somewhere BEFORE rigor mortis, right?)