Moon-Spoon-June-Crap Typhoon

Folks, June cannot end soon enough for this girl. That's all I'm sayin'. Wow. What a hellish month. I'm aware many world-shattering events took place on a global scale, but what I'm speaking of is, of course, moi.

First up, I got Fifth Disease. You know Fifth Disease. It's that childhood disease you've never heard of but that SUCKS if you get it as an adult. It's such a crap disease that the people who compiled the list of the six childhood rash diseases never actually named it. It didn't even merit "Measles, Jr." It was just the fifth disease on the list and that was that. Friends, that disease TORE through Bambina's preschool. Eight out of the ten kids got it, the teachers got it (one very seriously to the point of almost rheumatoid arthritis), I got it, then Bambina got it, then two other parents got it, rounded out by a final parent who presented last week with massive joint inflammation and soul-crushing fatigue. I do not even want to tell you how rotten Fifth Disease was (Oh hell, of course I do). I seriously could barely move my feet in the morning. I limped around my house for 15 minutes till it passed. I was certain I was getting rheumatoid arthritis. I couldn't move my wrists very well, could barely walk on my knees, could not rotate my shoulders. I'm not kidding. I was seriously scared that I had either far-reaching GVHD of the joints or that I was getting RA. Was going to bed at 8pm, sleeping all night and still feeling like I hadn't rested at all. I had to be retrieved by my MIL and her friend from the Ikea 40 minutes away because I felt like I was going to pass out in the middle of the Skvargnen display. Can you imagine how pathetic a scene that is?! Falling into a giant basket of Ndorglingkvorsten? Not to mention I had Bambina with me, so it was scary as well as ludicrous. After that I went to my doctor who diagnosed Fifth after I mentioned that some kids in Bambina's class had it. He was like, "DUH!! Textbook! It's a virus, so you're just going to have to live through it." Fabulous.

But then it got better. By which I mean much, much worse. Bambina got it next. Only, she got the classic childhood symptoms which are: None, except for a spreading rash that starts on the face. This child (read = I) was awake every night for 5 nights ALL NIGHT itching and crying. I swear to god, I was on the edge of my sanity for lack of sleep. We went to the doctor after realizing that cortisone and every single other OTC product was useless against this itch, and finally got some prescription relief--and thank god--some sleep.

Shortly thereafter I came down with what I thought was C. Diff. I'll let you google it so that I can maintain a meager shred of dignity in this forum. Suffice to say: ugliness on a truly unbearable scale. We traveled to NJ for a family event before the situation had reached its critical mass, and I can honestly say that it's the first time in my life I've ever been thinking to myself in polite company, "Do not shit your pants, E. Do not shit your pants." I'm all about the dignity, you see. Anyway, we ended up leaving NJ early because I spiked a fever and (see above) became aware that I was finding it harder and harder to "manage my personal situation," shall we say, even though I hadn't eaten in 3 days. We headed to the ER, where they gave me perhaps the most horrifying and ass-kicking antibiotic second only to vancomycin: flagyl. So now I was not only crapping myself, I was vomiting as well. GOOD TIMES!!!

Now here's where I learned my lesson. I contacted my transplant doctor as well as my PCP. Transplant doc says, "You don't have c. diff; you have an adenovirus. Stop the flagyl. I"m not extremely concerned about this." Me: "WHAT THE F*CK?!!! I guess I wouldn't be 'extremely concerned' either about losing 5 pounds in 3 days if I wasn't the one doing it, a**hole!" I was hating him so much because I was terror-stricken at stopping the flagyl and having it all come roaring back. I mean, everyone said I had c. diff. I had all the symptoms of c. diff. I was the poster child for someone who had c. diff. My website popped up if you googled "c. diff." But Dr. KnowItAll was positive I'm getting marginally better not because of the flagyl but because the virus was simply running its course. Dr. KnowItAll claimed to have seen all this before. Dr. KnowItAll kept talking to me like 'why are you hoping it's c. diff?' Dr. KnowItAll was on my last, hungry-but-nauseous, physically-drained, spent nerve.

Dr. KnowItAll was--as you probably surmised--right. I got completely better 2 days after stopping the flagyl.

Happy days, right?! WRONG! A few days later, Bambina got it. And she's still not totally better. She missed her first day of camp today, still isn't really eating, had an obligatory ER visit for dehydration at 2am Sunday, and generally is struggling. Which means so am I. Which means all of us at Chez Haggis are ready to bid adieu to June in the hope for a better July.

So yeah, I know that Iran has erupted, politicians are poking their peckers everywhere, Congress is dithering on health care, and that Michael Jackson "The King of Pop" died. I know it. I'll just care more as soon as I can free myself from monitoring the bowel movements of other humans.

ps--On a serious note, the Ikea Incident actually gave Bambina and I the opportunity to have a really important chat about what she should do if an adult she is with is ever incapacitated. It's something we generally never think to discuss with our kids, but believe me, the only thing keeping me vertical that morning was the fact that I knew she would not have known what to do if I had dropped. Would some "well-meaning" stranger tell her to go with him or her? Would she know to tell them who to contact for me? Would she know to STAY WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS until a family member or the following 3 pre-approved friends arrived? The answer at that time was NO. But now it's yes. Which you might want to consider for your own kid too. Just in case you ever get Fifth Disease. :)