The Idol Final Performances

Cheeseball, y'all.

They're using a wrestling theme, ie, "in the blue corner! Weighing 100 pounds! David Archuleta!" With some large-haired televangelist-looking dude (which is to say, a wrestling executive) offering random exhortations like "Keep your eyes open! Be brave! A faint heart never won the day" throughout the show.

First round songs were picked by Clive Davis. David Cook sang I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2. Archuleta got Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me.

Second round song for Cook was okay. It was a weird, no-name song selected in some contest or other. Judges told him it "wasn't a winning moment." Archie is singing some other no-name song chosen by the same process. Very easy listening. Very anglicized John Secada-sounding song. (No cut on John Secada; I actually like him when he's singing in Spanish. His English stuff is mostly mierda).

And of course, because they want to sign the 17 year-old, the judges LOVE Archuleta's craptacular song. Upon hearing Simon give him the round, David Archuleta's face contorts into an almost weepy look. I know he is supposed to be so cute, so sweet. But it's so damn creepy. It’s not normal. His father is the classic stage parent, so bad that he's been banned from backstage for what our President would call being a major league a**hole. Which leads the BBDD to believe that Archuleta's seeming modest overwhelmedness is really his relief that he won't be beaten and stuffed in a closet under the stairs when he gets home.

Okay, Round Three. Paula says David Cook's Collective Soul song showed him "standing in his truth." Simon hated it. I thought it was a really good version of the song. You can tell he was feeling it, especially since his terminally-ill brother is in the audience.

Archuleta! Oh no he dih'n't!! Archuleta is doing "Imagine" by John Effing Lennon! No You Don't! Oh my hell, y'all! It is a CRIME to take that song and make it into an over-earnest, treacly, easy listening piece of shit that could have been written and sung by any lounge fucking act. And the judges LOVE it. This is bullshit from start to finish. They clearly want Archuleta to win.

Oh whatever. I'm not the target demographic anyway. As a friend and I were discussing, we wouldn’t actually buy anything any of these contestants produced. In fact, I’ve never purchased anything by any American Idol contestant ever, not unless you count netflixing Dream Girls with Jennifer Hudson. But seriously. How can they possibly call the worst karaoke low-rent Josh Groban version of Imagine I have ever heard "a knockout"? My only hope is that Yoko is somewhere seething like I am, and she's going to, by all legal and physical means necessary, knock the producers' dicks in the dirt for desecrating the memory of her husband.

Or, perhaps Yokie, unlike me, has a life and couldn't give a rat's a** about watching adolescents sing songs for votes.

And for once in my life, I shall now go and Do As Yoko Does.