My Fellow Americans, The State of the Union Is...

Precarious.

Now, if only any President would actually get up and say that or something equally candid, I might enjoy the State of the Union speech more. But I'm watching so you don't have to.

First, I'm offering my Tim Russert observations. You know the kind: not for your edification, not to increase knowledge or understanding, but rather to demonstrate that I am really, really observant about one thing about you. For instance, Nancy Pelosi: Are you aware that you blink, like 120 times per minute? And you, Mr. Dick Cheney: Are you aware that you don't blink at all? You are both distracting me from the wisdom being dispensed from the podium by the POTUS.

Now onto the speech, or at least as much of it as I can sit through before I go hang curtains or flatten moving boxes. First, notable that he said outright he'd veto the appropriations bill if it didn't meet the goal to cut earmarks by 50% from last year.

Next, a focus on schools. His No Child Left Behind has been a roaring success, best scores in math and history ever. He doesn't mention that scores were trending that way prior to No Child, and that they haven't risen to a statistically significant level that would prove that No Child is the reason for the rise. Just sayin'.

Next, we shouldn't encourage a "false populism" among other peoples. How about we don't encourage false anything, Mr. President?

Okay, that's all I can sit through. Here's the deal. He's not going to say, "Sh*t y'all, I'm outta here in a year, we both know you're not gonna pass anything I send down here because I'm the biggest lame duck in an all-too grateful-for-my-departure duck pond, and let's face it: I have f'd this sh*t up!" All he's doing is saying "my fabulous program for American science competitiveness (because I'm all about science as it relates to my far-right issues) wasn't funded by you clowns in Congress!" That is just not going to trump curtain-hanging as far as I'm concerned. Because if anything meets the criteria for "pissing on my shoe and telling me it's raining," it's George W. Bush telling me he thinks we should have health care, tax increases cause deficits, and that he values human life.