Gettin' My Panties in a Wad

I was reading some magazines yesterday at Hopkins, as usual. As I flipped through no fewer than 6 of them, something started to bug me (big shocker). Put plainly, it is the media's use of words and phrases that no real person actually utters.

For example:

1. Can we all just stop calling women's underwear "panties?" All over these magazines was the phrase "bra and panties." Maybe you and I roll in different circles, but none of my friends uses the word "panties" to describe what she's wearing. You might say thong or underwear, but I have literally never heard another woman use the word "panties"--or "briefs" for that matter--to describe her undergarments. I only ever see the word in magazines--both women's and "lad's." Enough already.

2. "Men's slacks." Any of you gentlemen out there wearing some nice "slacks" right now? What ARE slacks, anyway? I've heard actual people say "trousers" or "pants" or "cords" or "jeans." Still haven't heard an actual man (not working in haberdashery) discuss his "slacks" collection.

3. "Erectile dysfunction" or "ED." Thank you, Bob Dole. But does anyone really use it? Have any of you guys out there been sitting at a nice dinner with a date and thought, "S/He's really awesome. I hope my 'erectile dysfunction' doesn't kick in tonight..."?

4. "Feminine hygiene." Again, no woman actually says this. You don't teach your 14 year-old daughter about 'feminine hygiene'. You talk about periods, and a whole bunch of other words that make men cringe. Which, come to think of it, might just explain the addition of "feminine hygiene" to the lexicon. My primary question, however, asks why we do not have a similar aisle for "masculine hygiene." Surely all those teenage boys could use some product for removing that "goat" smell, or some febreze for getting the reek out of the dirty clothes that are worn again even after showering. Or resolutely single-serving containers of Axe or Polo cologne, ie, USE JUST ONE per day, Big Fella.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm still working to lose the willies that go along with reading (and now typing) the word "panties" about 23 times in 2 hours...