Paging Hugh Jass and Amanda Hugandkiss!

CHICAGO (AP) - LaChania Govan said she got bounced around by her cable company when she called to complain. She made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish - a language she doesn't understand.

But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble understanding she'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog." "I was like you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan, 25. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss."

Govan said the only thing she did to Comcast employees that might be considered rude came after a few dozen calls when she felt she was treated shabbily. "I did tell them, 'You know what, it has to be a qualification to work for your company that you have to be rude,'" she said.

Govan said she talked to a supervisor and he offered her two months free service, which she turned down. Finally Wednesday, about two weeks after she got her bill, somebody from the company left a message on her answering machine in which the caller apologized.

Comcast officials said it shouldn't have happened. "We only use the actual customers names on the bill," said Patricia Andrews-Keenan, a Comcast spokeswoman. Company officials went through the records and identified two people who were involved with the name change and fired them, Andrews-Keenan said. It's unknown why the employees did it.

In another case, Peoples Energy customer Jefferoy Barnes started getting letters addressed to "Jeffery Scrotum Bag Barnes." "I had no bad words at all. I guess the earliest letter is dated in May and from then on up until now my name has been listed as Jeffery Scrotum Bag Barnes and I have no idea why." Barnes said he received an apologetic call from a company official. He also has contacted an attorney to determine if he can take legal action. A Peoples Energy spokeswoman called the letter inexcusable.

I have not laughed this hard since I saw the Saturday Night Live episode a few years back with Nicolas Cage, where he and Julia Sweeney are selecting names for their soon-to-be-born son. Every time she mentions a name he irrationally shoots it down, offering all the reasons why David or Jack or Bob will invite merciless ridicule from classmates. Just as he is mid-rant, the doorbell rings and Rob Schneider is there saying, "Telegram for Asswipe Johnson!" To which Nicolas Cage yells exasperatedly, "It's Az-wee-pay! Az-wee-pay Johnson!"